miley cyrus- when i look at you

i tilted my feet, so that i could put my piece of paper that i found after scrambling through my quicksilver bag onto my lap that was now straight, and started writing.

before i got out from the car, ma reminded me to pay more attention to my surroundings; to the people around. i wondered if i have the type of face that's attractive, which is of course questionable in the sense of whether it is good or otherwise, or she just kept her toes on news too well she couldnt help from worrying about her daughter's safety. her words 'dont take things for granted' made me to practice on simply looking at people's faces when i walked pass them. awkward enough, i found it somehow methodical and unpleasing.

i remembered once at the airport, a man told me 'nothing will happen to a lady as sweet as you.' i could still remember his words because i keep on questioning them.

the sunset sky was shining orange and was surrounded by blueish grey and white linings of puffy clouds stretched into thin lines like cotton rolls. sunsets; they are always silently beautiful by their own; being too far from men to reach. i wonder do they sometimes feel sad that despite they are beautiful, they are distant enough that people, lots of times, tend to overlook?

and then i wondered if that was really their feeling or its just the resemblance of my own.

further away i could see brightness striking out from pendarflour lights of high flats as the train moves quite slowly. i imagined different faces belonging to each well-lit squares; people doing different things at the very same time, being individuals when they are not that very physically apart. i tried to link with them, with the reason that perhaps one or two might actually understand how i felt, yet i eventually slashed that possibility out. but then i figured out that regardless, He still listens intently to each hearts, without failing even the tiniest detail.

feeling absorbed and helpless, i didnt really know what i then should be telling Him, or what should i pray for. at least i knew what to write about; it has been quite some time now i supposed.

in the coldness that blanketed me through the whole journey, i remembered your face sending me flying kisses; your shoulders relaxed and your eyes were calm as ever.

i couldnt help myself from smiling, no matter how much i tried to hide it, and i wasnt afraid anymore.

naruto songs

retracing.

after watching inception yesterday, aisyah and me had our dinner at shokuji bento section, enjoying japanese cuisine of course.

we talked about the movie. i personally think its one of the best movies ive watched all my life. i sure as heaven will buy the cd for my family to watch it as well.

i wished you were there beside me dear love. and of course, we talked about you as well.

and about me learning japanese. and the japanese songs she likes, and the japanese songs i like.

which then reminded me of mahou no kotoba by spitz. and followed were all the songs i suddenly realized that i have forgotten that i love them.

i never knew how much part of me that went lost when my laptop broke- all the stuffs inside- the pictures, songs, memories- until yesterday. oh, God. how did i miss this?

therefore i am retracing back my old steps since years back, particularly post 2005. the critical times whereby the important pieces of me were built, parts are revealed and shared, the muddy waters inside cleared, confessions made, our love began.

the story of my life aligned. and it's far from over. honestly i do feel scared sometimes. the more you love someone, the more you dont want to see them get hurt.

i'll do my best. ameen3..

abah, ma and qila at cameron highlands

its off office hour. dim-lighted, personal.

reminded me of the times back in australia. the lonely nights, but very insightful. not so busy, yet filled. not many people, but somehow i managed.

through songs, stretched hours, lots of exercises, focused plans, nightmares, the prayer mat, lecture notes, stringent dieting.

the bitter times that im now missing. how less means more.

its 603pm and im still here. i guess im starting to love staying at the office, hearing to repeated songs, missing my other half and praying the best for all my loved ones.

back then, i always feel that something is missing it frequently made me cry. everything is so far; i cant imagine everything is in their correct place right now, even though i am already near to all that i used to miss.

the gap is still there.

things can never be the same once abah is gone. it never has been, it can never be. no matter how much i try. and perhaps its a good thing. because if it doesnt i'll soon be doomed much faster than i would be able to realize.

its now 618pm.

i need a new handphone. specifically an express music with 3.2mp camera and 3G. and a personal laptop. then i'll be better off. for sure.

time to be patient for the money.

ne yo- part of the list

so the career era has started. it hasnt arrived to the full-blown mode yet, but things do somehow weigh heavier. all theories ive encountered in life so far are put on the test. the future, when in one hand is always unpredictable, in the other hand is always governable and can be planned.

so that's what i have started to do- to plan my life and to execute my plan and to see results. i am now leading my own life, and God knows in 5-10 years? time i'll be leading my own family's life as well.

and so, the preparations for the days to come is crucial. seriously crucial.

the book given by my interviewer has proven to be useful. (azizi ali- millionaires are from a different planet). it gives huge realization about the importance of planning your personal finance and very good step-by-step tips on how to be financially secured (its obviously a book on how to be a millionaire but let's not aim too high ;p).

but yeah, there's nothing wrong to become a millionaire :D ameen3...

when you want something, the universe conspires to make it happen

i arrived at rawang ktm station at 1016am. the 1015am was almost leaving the station. i still hadnt bought my ticket, and the queue was long. the train would depart any minute now. at first i just thought that i probably wont make it.

it was 10.17am now and as i queued, i took a look at the departure timetable- the next train would depart rawang at 10.45am, which means i have to wait another 30 minutes for the next train. i have waited that long for the bus which brought me from my residential area to rawang, and for the love of God i dont want to wait again for the train. but, considering that i might not be able to catch this train, i was reluctant to pray and hope and instead found myself preparing mentally to wait for another half an hour.

it was at that instant that i remembered what my boss had said- if you want it, you will get it. at that time it was almost 10.18am, the queue was still long and i knew that unless a miracle happens, i wont catch this train im writing this post in.

but i gathered my courage and put all my confidence into my prayer and hoped that somehow, somehow i could board this 10.15am's scheduled train. the time was now 10.18am.

suddenly, a new ticket counter opened next to the current counter and i quickly got out from the queue and went straight to the next counter. as i was paying for the ticket, the train doors were already closed so i slowed my pace a little, having doubt that i might not be able to go into this train after all. but the train was moving so slowly and i saw the button 'press to open door' so i pressed it, and the door opened. i think i was the last person to board the train.

it all happened in about 5 minutes, but boy, i learnt a lot about the power of will and prayer :)

p/s: happy birthday ahnaf amir ;) mau kek tunggu my first gaji ok..hehe~~

my lips is itchy and is becoming red. i think its the allergies

it looks like i left my little shelter here unkept for quite some time :)

alhamdulillah im officially accepted into the biggest company in malaysia and is now undergoing my training. phew. its a big thank you to The Almighty and my loved ones who always stay by me no matter how hard things turn out to be. abah, ma, adik2, sayang, pck amer and family, petronas, dearest friends and their family as well as supportive society members, thank you so much. thank you.

thank you again.

i'll try to keep this little niche of mine company, though i have to admit that my time would surely be restricted. i told my boyfriend that i want to write as ambitious as ever, as committed as my inspiring interviewer, but he told me to be realistic- though its hard to admit, i wont have much leisure time to spend on my blog anymore. but i know that he knows how stubborn i am. i'll just let fate decide where my stubbornness will end up then :D

for the short memo of the things ive missed writing:

1. the program im attending is called PIPE (Petronas Induction Programme for new Executives). i found many marvellous, sometimes mischievous though high achievers new petronas executives here. all are amiable and have high potential in showing exceptional performance in their respective fields. each session are competitive (because we made it to, not because we necessarily need it to be ;p) and very much enjoyable. but i need to constantly remind myself that im in the middle of a job right now; play time should be managed well. nevertheless, meeting all these comrades is a real good deal. like one of the petronas staff said, these are the people that you'll grow in the organisation with. and so far things have been nothing but memorable experience. for example, today i gave elephants their bath and feed my favourite animal since i was small- the giraffes. we went to zoo negara for a corporate social responsibility service. i'll get my loved ones to go volunteer here as well. it was a one-of-a-kind experience for me, so i hope others can get the chance too. if anyone wants to volunteer please tell me :)

2. spiffy died last saturday. at first he was sick due to food poisoning; he liked to eat almost anything he could get his paws on and the mackerel in tin that we bought for him somehow was already bad. we brought him to the nearest animal clinic and got him some med and other foods. a week later he recovered almost thoroughly, before..one day awin accidentally glided the gate onto sleeping spiffy. his paws were bleeding and he had traumas, he got terrified and was shaking to his wake. i almost cried seeing him limped but i knew that i had to be strong for him. so i kept strong. but days later, when he almost recovered and started to jump out from my lap that i was so happy, a neighbour of ours pulled one of his ear until he was in middle air and his inner ear bled. since that incident, he refused to eat and drink. i cant express how sad and helpless i felt for him. i had to prepare for my PIPE program the next week. on the morning of Saturday 15th of May 2010, i kissed him before i went to klcc to meet my friends for financial support. i never thought that it would be the last time that i kiss him. even now i miss him so much that sometimes it gave me nightmares and each time i remembered the day and how he died, i had a tough time to hold back my tears. but i know that he's happy with Him now. :)

im holding on, and like he said, we'll strive it through insha Allah..ameen3..

hey, its 645pm mr headache

i remembered the title of a book written by Mrs Y (i forgot the author) last night entitled 'as i was passing by'. perhaps that's the best that can describe what i wanted to relate in this post.

jodi picoult triggered my will and idea to write, again. i bought her newest book 'house rules' at kinokuniya last tuesday after my interview, and has been reading it since. i'm now at page 135. and perhaps because i still cannot stop reading it i even bring it out and read it inside the car while we were on our way to KKB. as a result, i got headache.

or maybe the headache was because i didnt eat before we got on the road. or because the road was curvy and the journey was quite long i hadnt anticipated it. or perhaps because the aircond was on too long and the car windows werent open that i felt suffocated. many times i figured out that my sickness were mostly psychologically related rather than externally caused. for example, my perfectionism makes me feel nauseous when something unanticipated occurs, because i feel i cannot do enough preparation to handle the late notice.

and now i probably sound like a freak. whatsoever, there are some things about myself that i have discovered in recent years, and the reason i stated them out is because i cannot draw out appropriate measures to problems i havent appropriately address. its a mechanism of coping and changing for the better, i can positively say.

because when abah passed away i didnt appropriately blurt out what i exactly feel, simply because i was so small i didnt know how to react, so i found my way out through excelling in my studies rather than facing my sadness and grief directly. my success was actually an escapism.

i dont regret it, because alhamdulillah Allah is Most Loving that things turned out to be good; i am here for everything i have experienced and did so far. but i realized that somehow my sunken, hidden wounds started to open up and are taking its credits, that i cannot ignore their effects anymore. thus i learned, and came out with a lesson that certain feelings shouldnt be locked inside our heart; it should be communicated. and how Allah is Most Gracious He blesses me with people who understand and are always be pleased to help.

next time if i have a chance to meet my interviewer again and jodi picoult, i'd like to thank them for indirectly helped me to realize many important things in my life. i thank you.

due to the headache i made a decision not to read anymore on our way back. so what i did was to observe the things happening around us while mama was driving. i noticed that some cyclists (mostly students) cycle along the traffic and some cycle against the traffic, which i thought can be a problem. imagine having two students cycling on the same road but at a point, are on the opposite directions of each other. that can be confusing and dangerous as well, because automatically they will pass each other and make a two-way traffic all by themselves, unless one decides to give way to another.

i suggest that there should be a law that says cyclists should cycle against the traffic ONLY, not along and against the traffic at the same time. more importantly, parents should guide their children about road safety, especially when their route includes main roads which can become crazy with speeding cars and red-lights' intruders.

yesterday while strolling the aisles at tesco, i noticed a father with his three children, one of them a baby resting on the trolley chewing newspaper. without a second thought i started to reach out my hand to take away the newspaper out of the baby's mouth when i realized that his father was there, looking at the baby and didnt stop the child from chewing it. i had to quickly walk away from them to stop myself from lecturing the father- which i was about to do without a second thought as well; plus due to the fact that mama said 'biarlah anak orang bukan anak kamu'.

two to three times i looked back to that same father and yup, he still ignored his baby as if the newspaper, loaded with carbon prints and unhealthy chemicals was a perfect toy for his child. i could only shake my head. that was why i stopped mama from buying gaseous drink for rais as usual, even though when we got back he sulked and searched for fights with ahnaf, which then ended up with all of us sleeping at about 1am and i practically got backache. so much for trying to save him from killing himself with doses of acids (he loves coke too much).

the sounds made by our proton wira drives me crazy- when mama corners it sounds like bones being stretched and almost break, which made me put more attention on the road. we got pass some old chinese residents, made from plain woods with hardly any branded furniture. it made me think of flat cold floor with no cushions and cozy pillows, open air and too bright living room and dull colors from in front to the back of the house. i then implied that these houses are not comfortable at all, which is why chinese people can become so victorious- they are never in a comfort zone, because they dont have one.

and that house's image plays inside their head, transferred into a strong ideology of 'always striving and there should never be enough' even until they are rich enough to own a house as big as a palace- perhaps some things never reside away.

i asked rais who happened to follow mama and me and was sitting at the back seat to hand me a candy ustaz gave us earlier in pusat zakat. he offered me a mint candy with a chocolate fill at the centre, which i loathe the most, and of course i rejected it; i asked for an ice tea candy in lieu. i cannot understand why they gave the name of the candy 'dynamite', because warm, slimy chocolate fill flowing through my mint candy onto my toungue so contrast with previous minty feeling would have nothing to do with any bursting flavour.

i hated the candy and all its likes since i was 6. i guess there are things about me that never change, even though my life has changed substantially during its course. mama then talked about how she remembered driving perhaps the oldest, almost rotten, barely alive toyota, painted blue-black and didnt even have signal lights from my past house to KKB, during our very hard times. i silently prayed that i got the job in petronas; i want to buy us better cars, i want to change some things for our family, and i hope the changes are for the better.

insyaAllah ameen.

p/s: happy 14th birthday awin amir ;-)