it was the sixth sense

i was sleeping when i heard the noise.

they were waking up, and they put on a thriller movie.

i hate thriller movies; my imagination can be worse than them.

so i woke up and moved into the room. but i still could hear the sounds, and i couldnt sleep. and it was 2am in the morning. and i had to go to work the next day.

i was swearing in my heart i almost banged the walls and door with anger.

then i noticed that adik was sleeping on the floor. i thought she must have felt the same with me, with all the fear and sounds and sleep interruptions, just minus the go-to-work-the-next-morning-but-havent-slept-at-2am thingy.

i touched her gently. it was dark, and she didnt move at all. i suddenly was chilled by thoughts of what worst things that could happen. she was still.

i shook her even more. i stroke her fur and lifted her paws.

she finally moved her hands away a little bit. she was okay, and i felt truly relieved.


perhaps disturbance during your sleep meant something very important - if you can feel it, that means you are still alive.

secret recipe's

it was a deliberating session with danni.

he had a good point, malay people especially in this company are always judgemental and pointlessly jealous of other people's success, whether they deserve it or not.

i admittedly was really curious as of how a friend of ours who have worked only about 2 years in the company can get the highest performance rating, beating all the seniors before him.

for the record, it really is something - it makes you think, assume and judge.

but we figured out that, at the end, it doesnt even matter. it's Allah's decision to give, we don't need to dispute if it is really decided.

if our friend really achieved it, though the award is handsome, the price is also high- he has to justify other people's judgements, surpass everyone's expectations, and he literally cannot fail. i mean, unless he was definitely eyeing and working into it and be prepared for all the consequences it'll bring, it will be something not only built can endure.

if it happens to me (i mean, wow, that's great, i just got paid about 6x more than other people i can get married and go to honeymoon instantly), but i still dont have any idea what will happen after that.

and yeah, if i really want to get awards like that (who doesnt, right?) i should shut my mouth and work as hell hard.

i'm relieved to know that i am still me in my head and heart and not to try to repeat someone else pointlessly, then.

-the seeker is who the seeker seeks for-

i dreamed of them last night

i am becoming tireder and tireder day by day.

i dont know how long i can last- to stay positive.

feels like the burden is becoming heavier and heavier, and all i have been doing is focusing on keeping myself together, and wait a lil bit more. breaking into tears and having to suppress feelings have become normal.

at first, it was like waiting for my cue to come, but slowly the cue seems to vanish, everything becomes blurred and sometimes i cannot see anything anymore, even seeing where i am putting my feet on. i have been trying to tell myself that everything will be okay, but then i started to wonder will i be included in the 'ok list'. if all my dreams collapse, will there be anyone who'll be there for me?

which made me finally think, that's alright.

as long as everyone else is okay, it will already be good for me.

i may not be able to achieve all my dreams, i may spend my life trying to repay for all my sins, but if it makes everything okay, it should do.

i always remind myself to be thankful for everything i already have. i might lose it in the future, but at least i have had those beautiful times to remember. if all these pain is worth all my sins and enable everyone to be happy, i will be glad to endure them.

just a lil bit more, because i know that it wont be too long.

'n sync - this i promise you

do you remember, the gentle voice that always call your name through the wind? the tender hands that always reach for yours and accompany your every shaky steps? do you remember, the eyes that look straight into yours and can make you cry instantaneously or smile effortlessly?

just close your eyes
each loving day
and know this feeling won't go away
it won't go away

the missing times when thoughts were all i had, when i tried to vision you. and once you really came for me, i took small steps forward, slowly, just to make sure that i was not dreaming. the seconds when i could feel my own breaths between my heartbeats. and the warmth of your body, the wetness of your hair, the fabric of your shirt, tells it all. the shine in your eyes and your reckless smile tell me that i am not wrong, not at all. you really did came for me, and the times i have spent thinking and dreaming about you, calling your names between nightmares and sobs - they meant something,

that you have missed and loved me, just like i have missed and loved you, perhaps more.

it was worth the wait.

dearie melbourne, how have summer greeting you?

yes k Arie, i miss those times strolling down the painted walls in Melbourne. i miss those rainy days covered with furred heavy coat to uni or clayton, and the way we talked with the ausie people. somehow those times have been lonely, but those times were the times when we could really find time to do things; not caught in the crowd of too many people in the lrt. at least we had some pleasure of reading with the smell of grass near the lake, playing hide and seek with the ducks and doves. and we can walk anywhere just to look at things with a blank mind. i want to go back so badly now.


there were times back home that have made me feel so obliged and squeezed, to try to fit in into everyone's requests. back then in australia i didnt have to feel different even though i was different; because there was nothing wrong to be different - it only made it more interesting. i didnt made it to the highest level of social bond between the ausies, but at least i had been remembered. at least i had my chances to shine and express myself; i was even been encouraged to do that. but somehow back home these opportunities were walled, my own unspoken voices came out to me at night, scowling.


i miss those times when we just hang out on the weekends and do anything we wanted. i miss the times when we could go anywhere and feel secured, shopping with us ladies in chadstone and eating nandos after an awesome movie, and enjoying the decorations and seasons throughout the year. studies might have been rough and we cried but at least we had some good times to spend on ourselves - time that we had our own without having to feel obliged to follow others blindly. the time when everyone had an equal right of say.


i just want to have my own life. i highly appreciate company of high quality; i am educated that way. i choose people, and i am a serious chooser, as people will have a direct impact on my thinking and beliefs. and although i love to listen to others, i also want to be heard. i want to have normal happy conversations with everyone around me. i just want to have good times.

4 days to go..

abah..betul ke semua anak2 abah takde yg menyenangkan hati abah? camane qilah nak gembirakan orang-orang lain pula, kan..

celebrating with red-ribboned ketupats sewn with colourful buttons and delighting on macaroons in a tiny cute box. perhaps some japanese crepes too. good things last long hopefully, although they sometimes need to wait.

1. i want to read the Quran more often.
2. i want to be conversant in geoscience and geophysics
3. i want to have a better brain
4. i want to express my creativity through colours
5. i want to marry him as much as he does

although there are some things i never be able to fathom, words i dont know how to properly construct, bravery i am still trying to grasp, the future yet to be written.

 because i never know the good things that will come out of them.

 they will, i am sure of it now.