the corridor smells like pink bubblegum, all sugar-watery and sticky

yes, i can have some serious imagination issues.

so it has been almost two months. this is strange, am i THAT occupied that i havent write that long?

considering the conditions that i'm currently in, being occupied might just as well describe my life best. well. *putting chin on the table, rolling eyes*

hence, what to write about this time?




since i have been blank for about an hour now, i guess i just have to stop this for now. *i dont know why i cannot write now*.

bye.

anna nalick - forever love

let me help you paint the face of my world that i love.

it always misses the old times. it is contented with the present and looks hard and long to its beloved faces to capture every moment and save it for the next days to come; it helps it to remember. and it threads carefully yet lightly on the path of future, embracing all possibilities and try to bring out the best out from every occurrences.

it laughs and cries because of love, many times. but it never regrets.

there has been a lot of ups and downs in my life, with or without any premonitions. many ambushed me upon my fall, but i'm always blessed with bouncing back.

more importantly, my memoir of solitude during my 3 years in seasonal melbourne has helped me built how i want to see things rather than what are in front of me. this is the perspective which i want to carry my whole life; how i would always love to view my world.

because we may experience a million things, become exuberant and depressed by various types of feelings, and never stays at a place too long. but some things, they never change.

i'm half-way through The Last Lecture, and this true story of an inspiring man brings me back to my root and to the people that i always love. and here's the magic of it- they never change, and that thought soothes me. i can walk very far and i know i will always be going back home; into your arms.

thank you for saving me.

K.I.S.S.

i decided to go home after isyak prayer to get my new swimming suit which has just arrived yesterday. so i brought along necessities which included the Picoult's novel The Changing Heart.

as i flipped through the pages and been absorbed into the story, i realized how sensitive i was at small things such as people laying their bodies onto the standing pole thus blocking others to hold to it, water leakage from somewhere running on the floor and almost soaked my thank-God waterproof shopping bag, the way i stood and posed myself.

when the train stopped at Kuang and the door slowly opened, damp and fresh air rushed in and brushed my face. i could feel the breeze and thought, 'ahh..i'm breathing the air of Kuang. the air here is not the same as it is at Rawang where i usually breath.' my feet were just a few centimeters away from stepping on Kuang's ground, and it made me wonder whether i should take the chance to hop out for a second and hop back in; just so that i could add in a little bit of Kuang's memory inside me with one second worth of touch.

but as i was drifted by my weights of thoughts, the door slowly closed back on me.

what if that was my only chance? what if chances are all that we have got while we are still living?

i reflected upon my sensitivity, my past actions, my whines and worries about things that could happen; before they happen.

i realized that i cannot change what have happened and things that had been done; but i can change how i view them and how i spend my life now. and yes, i have no idea about the future, but i can pray, hope and trust for the best.

i remembered how he always tell me that i have done nothing wrong. i remembered how he saw me cry and convinced me that everything will be okay. i remembered how warm he was when he was close enough for me to feel his breath on my face as he told me that he loves me- many times. i remembered how he always try his best to make me happy and put a smile on my face and never let me go. i wonder how many times i have overlooked his smile, his sadness, his struggling.

and then i remembered about my brothers and sisters, and how they just want to be happy, and how much i am capable to make that happen. i know sometimes i ignored them, even for the best reasons that i should still have to make up to them. and i want to make them happy so badly.

and there's this one person that always stay. no matter how difficult i have made her, no matter how long the journey has been, no matter how lost and alone she had been. i remembered how many times she kisses me every time she kisses me (one at the forehead, another at my nose, then my left and right cheek, and sometimes my chin and mouth), and remembered how tight she always hug me each time she had to send me off. i remembered how she overcame her sadness when i was mad at her and how she struggled to made up to me. every time i went home she cooks and prepare the most lavish cuisine of her own creativity, and i'm never able to say no for seconds because they are so delicious. my mama who teaches me the meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.

no matter how many difficult times i face with these people above, no matter how hard, no matter how depressing. they are always there with me, i wonder how many times they have been taken for granted.

dear God, i am so thankful for having them in my life. i'll say thank You as long as i can, as many times as i can. i'll grab the chances You give me piece by piece, trying to make the best out of them within the capability of my small and limited hands. i'll apology for the lost, the hurt and the ignored. to You i rely, to You i say pray for them and me for our happiness, strength and success.

i love you all..i really do...

p/s: happy belated birthday awin ;)

I tried to recall the times when I whole-heartedly moved forward, without even take one look back. I tried to recapture the strength, the single-mindedness I managed to wrap myself into; became whole.

But everything went blank and I felt myself sank into a black hole. Sometimes I just don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I'm just lost like an alien.

I want to swim, until my limbs go stiff and cramped, until my body feels chilled to the bone. I want to swim, until my breaths fall short, until I'm tired of smiling every time I finish a lap. I want my body to work their muscles out, feeling the gush of water under my cheekbone, slurring through my armpits, controlling my breaths and the spread of my arms and the width of my splayed legs. I want to swim until I can't think of anything else.

Just like I want to cry so loud until all the masks I've been wearing melt down, until I lose my voice, until I can't remember myself anymore.

Adik sleeps so soundly at the left side of the bed. She must have been waiting for this moment so long, when she eyed the door from afar, waiting for it to open, so that she could sneak in and go onto the bed. We know they miss the softness of the mattress and the cool winds brushing their faces when they are asleep, and once she managed to quietly move to her favorite spot and lied down, closing her eyes, I didn't have the heart to put her back outside. Abang and adik have been barred from the rooms because their furs are loose and we can't afford to clean them off everytime, but just right now, I can't afford to see her sweet sleep disturbed.

I understand the feelings of missing the ones that you love. It's like rewinding the same movie again and again in your head, when everything else moves, or not moving at all. It's like reminding and pushing yourself to think about the brighter side of your life when everything in front of you goes wrong. It's like trying to keep the missing pieces when the good things are taken away from you.

It's about saying that you're okay when you actually feels like bawling and don't know where to find strength; only to know how to pretend to be strong. And then you'll wonder on how long people can stand with you when you yourself don't think that you'll last long.

Everytime I feel like this I'll crumple myself into position of the fetus, closing enough to retain the heat and trying to shudder off the cold, for as long as I need.

As long as everyone is happy. As long as everyone is okay.

‎"Tertundanya pemberian setelah engkau mengulang-ulang permintaan, janganlah membuatmu berpatah harapan. Allah menjamin pengabulan du'a sesuai dengan apa yang Dia pilih buatmu, bukan menurut apa yang engkau pilih sendiri, dan pada saat yang Dia kehendaki - bukan pada waktu yang engkau ingini." [Imam Ibn Athaillah As-Sakandari]

"Allah menjawab du'a para hamba-Nya yang penuh kerinduan dan permohonan yang keluar dari hati yang ikhlas. Memohon pertolongan Allah didorong dengan perintah-Nya untuk kembali kepada-Nya. Maka, waktu dan cara-Nya membalas du'a pun tergantung pada-Nya. Yang perlu dilakukan oleh makhluk adalah berdu'a, bergantung dan percaya pada cara-cara yang sempurna dari Sang Pencipta, kerana Dia selalu mengetahui keadaan kita yang sebenarnya, juga pertolongan serta perbekalan apa yang tepat buat kita dalam perjalanan menuju-Nya." [ulasan oleh Syeikh Fadhlalla Haeri]

Ya Allah terimalah kami, jadikanlah kami hamba-hamba-Mu yang ikhlas, sebenar-benar bergantung pada-Mu bukan selain-Mu, yang beradab penuh santun dalam bermohon kepada-Mu, tiada berpatah harapan atas penundaan-Mu, memilih dengan pilihan-Mu, setiap permohonan kami adalah dalam keredhaan-Mu, dan setiap nafas kami meraih kecintaan-Mu.. amiin.

ya Allah..kuatkanlah dan sembuhkanlah en aspar..ameen3...

p.s.

happy belated 20th birthday my love...God knows how much I miss you and want to be with you...

p.s.

happy belated 21st birthday afiq...

p.s.

tq for being good friends, ejul & helmi...

Al-Insaan

[1]
Bukankah telah berlalu kepada manusia satu ketika dari masa (yang beredar), sedang ia (masih belum wujud lagi, dan) tidak menjadi sesuatu benda yang disebut-sebut, (maka mengapa kaum musyrik itu mengingkari hari akhirat)?
[2]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah aturkan cara mencipta manusia bermulanya dari air mani yang bercampur (dari pati benih lelaki dan perempuan), serta Kami tetap mengujinya (dengan kewajipan-kewajipan); oleh itu maka Kami jadikan dia berkeadaan mendengar dan melihat.
[3]
Kerana keadaan itu tidak mencukupi, maka) sesungguhnya Kami telah menunjukkan kepadanya (melalui akal dan Rasul) akan jalan-jalan (yang benar dan yang salah; maka terserahlah kepadanya) sama ada ia bersyukur (dengan beriman dan taat), ataupun ia berlaku kufur (dengan mengingkari kebenaran atau menderhaka).
[4]
(Dalam pada itu), sesungguhnya Kami telah menyediakan bagi sesiapa yang berlaku kufur (atau menderhaka): beberapa rantai dan belenggu serta neraka yang menjulang-julang.
[5]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang berbakti (dengan taat dan kebajikan), akan meminum dari piala: sejenis minuman yang bercampur dengan “Kafur”, -
[6]
Iaitu sebuah matair (di Syurga), yang diminum daripadanya oleh hamba-hamba Allah (yang taat); mereka boleh mengalirkannya (di tempat-tempat tinggal mereka) dengan aliran yang semudah-mudahnya dan menurut kemahuannya.
[7]
(Mereka dikurniakan kesenangan itu kerana) mereka menyempurnakan nazarnya (apatah lagi yang diwajibkan Tuhan kepadanya), serta mereka takutkan hari (akhirat) yang azab seksanya merebak di sana sini.
[8]
Mereka juga memberi makan benda-benda makanan yang dihajati dan disukainya, kepada orang miskin dan anak yatim serta orang tawanan,
[9]
(Sambil berkata dengan lidah atau dengan hati): “Sesungguhnya kami memberi makan kepada kamu kerana Allah semata-mata; kami tidak berkehendakkan sebarang balasan dari kamu atau ucapan terima kasih,
[10]
“Kami sebenarnya takutkan Tuhan kami, takut Ia kenakan kami azab hari yang padanya muka orang-orang yang bersalah: masam berkerut-kerut”.
[11]
Dengan sebab (mereka menjaga diri dari kesalahan), maka Allah selamatkan mereka dari kesengsaraan hari yang demikian keadaannya, serta memberikan kepada mereka keindahan yang berseri-seri (di muka), dan perasaan ria gembira (di hati).
[12]
Dan kerana kesabaran mereka (mengerjakan suruhan Allah dan meninggalkan laranganNya), mereka dibalas oleh Allah dengan Syurga dan (persalinan dari) sutera.
[13]
Mereka berehat di dalam Syurga dengan berbaring di atas pelamin-pelamin (yang berhias), mereka tidak nampak di situ adanya matahari (usahkan hawa panasnya), dan tidak juga merasai suasana yang terlampau sejuk;
[14]
Sedang naungan pohon-pohon Syurga itu dekat kepada mereka, dan buah-buahannya pula dimudahkan (untuk mereka memetiknya) dengan semudah-mudahnya.
[15]
Dan (selain itu) diedarkan kepada mereka (oleh pelayan-pelayannya): bijana dari perak dan piala-piala minuman yang keadaannya laksana kaca (nampak jelas isinya) -
[16]
(Keadaannya laksana) kaca, (sedang ia) dari perak; pelayan-pelayan itu menentukan kadar isinya sekadar yang cukup betul dengan kehendak penggunanya.
[17]
Dan mereka dalam Syurga itu, diberi minum sejenis minuman yang campurannya dari “Zanjabil”,
[18]
Iaitu sebuah matair dalam Syurga, yang disebutkan sifatnya sebagai “Salsabil”.
[19]
Dan mereka dilayani oleh anak-anak muda lelaki yang tetap kekal (dalam keadaan mudanya), yang sentiasa beredar di sekitar mereka; apabila engkau melihat anak-anak muda itu, nescaya engkau menyangkanya mutiara yang bertaburan.
[20]
Dan apabila engkau melihat di sana (dalam Syurga itu), engkau melihat nikmat yang melimpah-limpah dan kerajaan yang besar (yang tidak ada bandingannya).
[21]
Mereka di dalam Syurga memakai pakaian hijau yang diperbuat dari sutera halus dan sutera tebal (yang bertekat), serta mereka dihiasi dengan gelang-gelang tangan dari perak; dan mereka diberi minum oleh Tuhan mereka dengan sejenis minuman (yang lain) yang bersih suci.
[22]
(Serta dikatakan kepada mereka): “Sesungguhnya (segala pemberian) ini adalah untuk kamu sebagai balasan, dan adalah usaha amal kamu (di dunia dahulu) diterima dan dihargai (oleh Allah)”.
[23]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah menurunkan Al-Quran kepadamu (wahai Muhammad), dengan beransur-ansur.
[24]
Oleh itu hendaklah engkau bersabar menerima hukum Tuhanmu (memberi tempoh kepada golongan yang menentangmu), dan janganlah engkau menurut kehendak orang yang berdosa di antara mereka, atau orang yang kufur ingkar.
[25]
Dan sebutlah dengan lidah atau dengan hati akan nama Tuhanmu (di dalam dan di luar sembahyang), pada waktu pagi dan petang;
[26]
Dan (dengan apa keadaan pun maka) pada sebahagian dari waktu malam sujudlah kepada Tuhan (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang), dan (seboleh-bolehnya) bertasbihlah memujiNya (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang Tahajjud), pada sebahagian yang panjang dari waktu malam.
[27]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang (yang menentangmu) itu sentiasa mencintai (kesenangan dan kemewahan dunia) yang cepat habisnya, serta mereka membelakangkan (tidak menghiraukan bekalan) untuk hari akhirat yang amat berat (penderitaannya kepada orang-orang yang tidak bertaqwa).
[28]
Kamilah yang menciptakan mereka serta menguatkan tulang sendi dan urat saraf mereka; (Kami berkuasa membinasakan mereka) dan apabila Kami kehendaki, Kami gantikan (mereka dengan) orang-orang yang serupa dengan mereka, dengan penggantian yang sebaik-baiknya.
[29]
Sesungguhnya (segala keterangan yang disebutkan) ini, menjadi peringatan; maka sesiapa yang mahukan (kebaikan dirinya) bolehlah ia mengambil jalan yang menyampaikan kepada keredaan Allah (dengan iman dan taat).
[30]
Dan tiadalah kamu berkemahuan (melakukan sesuatu perkara) melainkan dengan cara yang dikehendaki Allah; sesungguhnya Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana (mengaturkan sebarang perkara yang dikehendakiNya).
[31]
Ia memasukkan sesiapa yang dikehendakiNya (menurut aturan yang ditetapkan) ke dalam rahmatNya (dengan ditempatkannya di dalam Syurga); dan orang-orang yang zalim, Ia menyediakan untuk mereka azab seksa yang tidak terperi sakitnya.

"I can't do this, Sam."

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here. But we are.

It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in the stories, had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going, because they were holding on to something."

"What are we holding on to, Sam?"

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

The definition of us

Losses befallen on us and we were dumped in shitty holes. Before we realized anything we started to hurt and punish each other when no one was actually at fault. Sometimes we knew this but the wounds in our hearts have become so deep that all happiness and joy we once knew now seem too far from reach and we feel so accustomed to anger and grief that it becomes too hard to let go and start anew. Nevertheless we struggle through and try our best to set our feet on a fresh ground, together, holding tight to each other, even though we still bleed.

I seldom look back or recount any from the past, except for the moments when we never lost anything and had nothing to worry about and had all the time in the world to count how many drops there were in the rain. Except for recalling those moments, I spend my time dreaming about the future where everything is still crystals, diamonds, snow and puffy clouds. At least that's how I manage this pain. And just as the rest of the family, even during the fuckiest times I never fail to sense the urge and desire for a better life. A hope, on which I cling on, that after everything that happened I can still call it my home.

Through prayers and chances we are blessed to have.