new shoes :)

a voice said i havent write too long. guess 2 months are not that close.

its freaky that i still have that shivers running through my veins when i thought about ACD. i can liken the first assessment experience and its interpretively horrible ending to my driving lessons classes - it was that horror. with all the crying and stuffs.

i should be stronger now. just dont know how strong. how would i know, then? (read: this is a VERY big question mark).

 i went a lot with him in these late months. so much conflicts happened and such blessings to have them all answered very unexpectedly and gracefully indeed. when we both looked back, he went silent for a minute and said, "it feels like everything has been made easier for us." indeed they have, and i was speechless, and he asked "why?" i smiled a bit and said "yeah. i dont know what to say, actually." and he said, "then say alhamdulillah." and gestured with his shoulder. i smiled wide and said alhamdulillah a lot a lot as i can remember i didnt count them, until i got teary and he gently said "everything will be okay."

i got my health back. alhamdulillah.

his business is doing good. alhamdulillah.

my work is pacing up. alhamdulillah.

we got two free vacations. alhamdulillah.

 the BIG day will be this year! alhamdulillah.

and most importantly, my dear prayers have been, oh, dearly answered. thank You, ya Allah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

It was Huddle's first time :)

Perhaps I should reclaim, on how life has been putting on strong waves upon me, but amidst the forceful sea, there are fish swimming around my fragile body; their colours glare and excite me more than ever, of their beauty. They resemble all the lessons life has instilled for me, to guide my way when I am lost, to befriend me when I am teary, and applause when I accomplish good.

And in that sea of life, I found vastness of love and kindness within, of which I found peace and hope. In each day I stroll my legs onto the ground, in each time I take a long gaze at the morning sky, chanting Your name.

One of our best teachers had gone back to Allah peacefully while she was warded in KPJ Specialist Hospital. We three young souls took a decision in a spun of a minute to go accompany our beloved teacher back to her hometown where she would be buried, and consoled her precious daughter (which happens to be our very close batch mate).

It was an unplanned trip, an unplanned meeting and conversation, nevertheless it went far better than we had expected; it made us realize that no matter how young we are, it is not the reason why we should not think about the preparations to die. And it also made us realized that we are not kids anymore, now we can drive in a car, find our own ways to school and really talk about serious matters.

"Do you remember? That when we were in high school, we planned about a lot of things, and no matter how fail and wrong we have been, we always, always acted like we know everything." I said to my dear friend.

She replied, "Yes, how immature we have been, weren't we? I am now more cautious, more observant, and much more obliged and trained to be careful than I was before."

"So do I," I said, with a small laugh, as we recalled the ignorant times, when we were more outspoken than bashful. How it meant everything or nothing, yes or no. Today, things are ever more complicated, but somehow we must manage.

I remembered what S.E. Hinton had said in her novel, "Things are rough all over, but stay gold, Ponytail. Stay Gold."

Today, I had mixed feelings; I almost concluded that I may feel both thankful and remorse when I got the news. It was a news everyone was waiting for, and most people are ever so delighted when they heard it that their faces gleamed of plans they can now carry on and things they can now buy.

I felt blessed to be among very successful people; although I felt quite jealous I couldn't help feeling happy for them because I know they do deserve it. I almost overreacted that one of my colleague said he would pinch me if I so ever open my mouth about his success and then, another friend and he teased me for something I have loved all my life that I felt quite hurt.

Afterwards, they did try to make up for it but I already had the mixed feelings, especially when I knew that I had been graded the same as people who do less than what I have done. I was very active last year and worked hard but my confidante friends said there had been an internal issue and I was not at all at fault of my very ordinary performance result.

I cried softly a bit and wiped it before it got too teary; searched for my iPod and listened to the songs when I found it. It made me forget about it for a while and helped me to be calm.

I then remembered what I have read from Little Women; that novel has helped me a lot in coping with my problems; big and small, and I am so thankful that it found me. I wish I can be the wonderful characters in it, especially Mrs March, whom I had found to be such a dear and wonderful, strong-willed woman. I then set her as my ambition and despite the hard news, pulled myself together and accepted the gift from Allah open-heartedly, and with wisdom. I won't feel any remorse, but I will work harder, insyaAllah.

And because I never can spare a secret from him, and we have made it a habitual thing to share all the pieces we experience and feel everyday, so I told him about the news, and how it had made me feel.

When he knew about this, he felt sorry for the result, but he was very delighted to see that I can now govern my feelings better, and he is very proud of his girl. Boy, I am so thankful that he said that; I thought no human ever notices my struggling.

Thank You Allah. I know You have reserved the best next thing for me. :)

peachy pink in cream

al fatihah to allahyarham tukwan.

i just met him 3 days ago and now he is gone. mak said he was suddenly cold, minutes after he last called her name. and he died on a thursday night. Allah bless him. ameen3.

i remembered he told me tukwan wanted to sponsor for my engagement ring, but mak insisted that he shouldnt do that, that we will work it out ourselves. he wanted to see us engaged since last year, and he wanted to see us got married this year.

i will remember his fond wishes.

seriously, how much time do we have with one another? we want so much to be accomplished, but seriously how much time we have to spend with each other?

mak said she was satisfied. tukwan has always been with them, has always been choosing them, has always been calling her name, not any others. and i know she has been very much patient with him, and she deserves to be satisfied.

by now tukwan has been lowered down into his grave, prayers chanted and some tears fell to the ground. silence will soon overwhelm every living creature.

and the dead.

ya Allah, grant him bliss and happyness in the hereafter and may he be released from all pain. ameen3..

i has just recovered from my own shortcoming. i have been down with bad cough and fever since last week. ma said my body asked me to stop for a while 'cause it cannot keep up with my spirit.

leave it to dearest mama to utter beautiful words like that.

the one who never stops to learn, in particular, me. and i, i never stop learning her. amidst the years that have passed and everything that has happened, there is always something new about us.

it surely is refreshing, to have surprises some time. it makes us realize how sometimes we have overlooked things, and how we want ourselves to be remembered, as how we want to be remembered.

she wants to go home and stay, i guess that is her most longed wish after years of struggling and waiting. and i, despite everything, want her to get what she wanted.

with respect and understanding.

with love.

ya Allah please let us have the time, please let us be satisfied, please let us not waste the precious times with our loved ones.

ameen3...

p/s: have a blessed friday.

its john steinbeck this time

In utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable
- John Steinbeck

the thing is, loneliness is not major in my life now. busyness is. but the quote reminded me of my long lost times in ausie when my posts were all lengthy and continuous. when somehow some things have never settled even to some length.

brainy quote is getting me wondering again. i simply love it. and blog-hopping is somehow frightening. you never know whatcha gonna get. it is peculiar how i always jumped upon politic-based blogs (are they so many of them, is that why?)

anyway.

back to work, peeps.

and have a blessed friday. remember to cut your nails and wear some perfume :)

with balloons, balloon pump, magic color pens and a lil' bit of time and thought

*le pompa bensin on jangan lupa namaku

this new fan can be quite cold. its blue and its awesome.

i never knew there's a person with the same name as mine a great vocalist. when i went to KJK this year there's a girl who carries my name and is also brilliant. and her teacher said she has a friend by the same name and they are constantly competing at school.

and then i had been reminded by a girl of same name carrying the head girl post two years after me at school.

can't name my own daughter by my name now, though :P

i have learnt that some people can be (oh my Allah) so annoying but also i have learnt that its not the way to treat them the way they deserve.

because they are just a small part of a grandest scheme of life, which means, well, they are not that important anyway.

dont know why lately i have been thinking about what i really should do in my life. i envy those who are masters in their field and are enjoying every bit of it.

i returned to my blank paper and mechanical pencil everytime, even though i am not very good at it.

also because i need to plan for my life projected 5 years beyond by which me myself have no idea what should it look like, make me constantly wonder.

i guess i just needed a time break. i know that my life hasnt been meaningless; they are just tiring a lot of times. i need to reset my objectives and start running. so much of conflicting responsibilities and interests, of loves and obligations.

i might start to lepak more at the kedai kopi ttfc after this, with a borrowed squash racket and its small ball. really, i have been practicing.

quite a new year resolution, i guess?

temporary

there's this smell in the air when they are happy. the colour around us tinges when they laugh, i felt i could sketch them into pictures hung permanently on my mind. the time while waiting for our lunch and we played true or dare and mama also joined, and we had to skip the question of "who you hate the most in the house" when it was her turn. we made fun of each other and mama was coolest about it. and their faces when we sat real close to the cinema screen and we were eating popcorns and we laughed when Max punched Charlie after he succeeded bringing Atom on his own and spent the rest of the previous night trying to dig it out.

and after that we stopped by tutti frutti and made our own ice cream cup with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla flavors sprinkled with nuts, colorful ring cereals, M&Ms, chocolate rice, choc chips and marshmallows. we went back and everyone was smiling and we brought special food for afiq and awin at home. everything was perfect that day. i sat at the back seat on our way home and thought, 'man. i wish we had a bigger car so afiq and awin could join.'

everyone deserved it, the trip to OU. that's what i thought. ahnaf and rais were urging me to bring them earlier this month, and i said we had to postpone because they were still doing the final exams at that time. and when they had finished, we had to postpone it again to the next day because afiq had to use the car to uni. and mama said, 'i also want to watch movie.' which made me quite surprised; i never knew mama would wanted to join.

and it was worth it. i was glad that everyone was happy. later that night we even watched a movie again together at home and we stayed late. He knows how happy they were, how happy i was to see that.

i will reminisce this day, often. it was real nice to see everyone was genuinely happy, even abang and adik.

because everyday is not the same, i never know whether that day will repeat itself.

and i dont know for how long will my presence in my loved ones' lives be relevant, or needed, or longed for.

but for the times that i still have, i'll do whatever i can. just to make you happy. just to make sure you're okay. and You, You know my prayers, i'm sure you do, because they are what i keep on repeating each day. the ones i cried for so You may accept.

with all my humbleness, please accept. please.

im having the fever again. and im experiencing the same thing again. so please remind me, on why i am doing this. please remind me, to wait just a little bit more. please remind me, that it wont be long.

it wont be long, right?

p.s.

remember the story of the Prophet when he saw an orphan girl with torn clothes crying when she saw other kids with new beautiful clothes on hajj celebration day? she went to the kid and asked her why but she kept on crying without even looked up. she said that her dad died in a war with the Prophet and her mom had remarried with a man who deserted her. the Prophet's face changed and he pat the girl's head and brought her home with all the good things he and his wife, Aisyah could give.

just be like him.

thank you and sorry for everything, everyone.

white, light and beautiful as snow~

it is a quiet friday.

i woke up from bed at 8am and still managed to slowly sip a drink while sitting at the living room before i went to take my bath.

but i did left the last night's comforter and two small pillows unscathed on the floor. and the mug after the drink, too. i'll deal with them later then i guess.

the clouds were very beautiful this morning. they were fluffy like cottons and they were arranged beautifully, as if someone stretched and lay them to settle and floated on the sky. rays of lights were trying to penetrate through the holes between the cotton clouds and the dark blue morning sky mixed harmonically with light, creating contours of color tones changing from white to dark blue. it reminded me of the clouds in australia on an autumn day, they just make you numb in awe, and somehow, tranquility.

i never knew i would cry that hard last night. i never knew he'd cried with me. i was presumptuous that i could hold back my tears and appear as if i didnt care, as if i was strong.

as if i was okay. although both of us were damn sure i wasnt.

and when he told me how he felt, what he wanted, which is actually what we both wanted, and how so darn hard it is for us to achieve, i didnt know why - i just started to bawl so hard i couldnt even utter a word.

and he kept calling my name, and after a while, all i could say was 'i love you'. because it is all that matters.

it is all that really matters.

and after he explained everything, all that's left for us is to be strong to be together. that we must fight, and be patient. that we must be happy, and be understanding.

and he made me laughed again, very shortly after that, with his words about me having a red nose like a clown. and a reminder again, of how he was sorry and how much he loves me.

i did the same.

when i was in the lrt this morning, i feel that there's silence inside me.

the silence that smiles, calmly, strongly.