I knew for sure when his face turned blue.

Parenting is not a skill you apply from picking 50 ways to enjoy motherhood, or tips to get your children listen to you.

It is a lifestyle that is built from solid groundwork made from pieces of puzzles that are essentially integral with each other; neither one can exist without the other. It is made from parts of reasons, understanding of your genetic make-up and historical backgrounds. Perhaps some parenting aspects dominate in certain cultures but to assume that they apply to everyone is misleading, and dangerous. And I have witnessed it today.

If you are active in parenting;
If the child looks to you when he tell stories;
If the child looks for you when he is upset;
If he is affected by your mood,

You are the most trusted person to your child. Yes, you are overwhelmed, inexperienced, incompetent and lacking - but guess what, everyone is when it comes to parenting. No one is born a parent. It may be good to get advices from more experienced people when things get rough, but you have to trust yourself more when deciding whether your course of parenting actions will include applying those advices. Every advice, no matter how good, needs to go through filters set by you.

And the filters can only be as good as your intentionality when it comes to parenting. 

Mine is still undergoing construction and the road remains long. Sometimes it feels as if I am treading a new path yet the sole of my shoes have started to exhaust.

I am moving forward though, nevertheless. It is the least that I could do besides being being positive.

My 4 years-old laptop is up and running again.

Somehow my heart beats are slowing down. Yawarakana Jikan really helps to soothe me I guess. It feels like my husband's hugs. One thing that can make me finally let off a long breath of relief.

I vomited this morning perhaps of trying to rush to work too much. And I almost couldn't sleep last night due to thinking about how afraid I was to reply to an SMS, if not for my husband saying that he's not going anywhere so I should sleep on the bed where I can comfortably lie and not having backache which is becoming more and more unbearable due to my pregnancy, while he sleeps on comforters I laid for him on the floor. This is the third week, if I'm not mistaken, that we have to sleep separately because he wouldn't be able to sleep without being awaken by my sudden moves and twirls; the baby is getting heavier, I would wake up every 2 - 3 hours to pee and I become more and more tired with time. My mom-in-law always remind my husband and her children every time she hears about my discomfort and pain, quoting 'wahnan 'ala wahnin' (weakness over weakness). I guess she really understands, and I am very thankful.

There are 2 days left before my technical assessment, and I am struggling to study. I cannot even sit straight for more than 1 hour, and I am always tired. But I think so far I have done quite a lot, and I know Allah has prepared the next best thing for me, insyaAllah. This year's assessment is quite important since it would determine my next year's salary. Allahu yusahhil, rabbi yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bil khair. Ameen.

Reflecting how difficult it has been (not with the pregnancy, but with everything else that is happening whilst I am pregnant, which have not resolved even until now, that I can only recluse them to Allah, because I have become very very tired to deal with it and getting worse answers every time) I have been trying to eat decently to support Irfan but I don't know if I have succeeded. During last visit his weight started to drop a lil bit from the expected weight although doctor said he is okay, and since that visit 3 weeks ago I haven't gained any weight I'm starting to worry because my weight should have escalated in the last parts of this trimester. I hope he's doing fine and his weight will be back on track this Thursday during the next check-up. Since I'm not gaining any weight, I don't mind losing some if it means Irfan is gaining more. He should weigh about 2.7kg by the end of this week. Ameen.

And due to preparing for Irfan's coming, a lot has been spent and we are now in quite a tight budget, and even when we both know I should cook to save some money my husband never let me do that since he knows I'm not fit for it. Sometimes we take away cooked fish and vegetables and he cooks the rice and prepare the fruits for us to eat. Sometimes I see him wandering off at the back of the iPad, his hands moving fast playing his favourite game but his mind is elsewhere. I know he's worried about how we're going to survive for these coming few months while waiting for Irfan to come and the expenses that are of course expected to increase and how we are going to pay for them. But when he catches me at the eyes he just smiled and teases me more. He even joked that we should spend the next weekend at a hotel somewhere since we haven't had the chance for any vacation this year.

Ya Allah, please give us strength. We wouldn't know how to get past all these if not for Your help and intervention, and You knows best. That's why we can still smile - we know You know. And You never forsakes Your slaves.

Ameen.

Preparing for our lil one :)

As a first time mom, I was previously perplexed of what to buy and where to start in terms of baby stuffs. Also because we are both young parents who don’t have the luxury of a big budget for a baby, but we want to make ado nevertheless. So after researching online, asking friends/family and reading some books, here are a simplified list of what I thought are important, and I hope these would benefit all becoming mothers out there, wherever you are :)

Pregnancy supplements - Starting off:
1. Extra Virgin Olive Oil: I bought mine from an agent of www.olivehouse.my as recommended by my aunt
2. Enriched goat milk: I’m taking Nutri Goat Miracle 8, which contains 8 foods from the Sunnah
3. Pramilet
4. Caltrate
5. NeuroGain PB
6. Maternity pillow: to help ease your sleep
7. Reading certain surahs from the Koran: Maryam & Luqman for Monday, at-Taubah for Tuesday and Wednesday, Yusuf, Fatihah, Al-Ikhlas, Al-Falaq and An-Nas for Thursday, and Yaasin, Hujurat & An-Nahl for Friday. There are also certain ayahs that are good to be recited during pregnancy and labour, just google them :)

Baby bath stuffs:
1. Baby body wash: I use Indulge by Neways for both body wash and shampoo, as per recommended by my mom-in-law
2. Baby shampoo
3. Bath tub
4. Bath supporter: I’m not really confident to hold my baby during bath since he would be sooo delicate and fragile *scared*
5. Towel: about 3 pcs
6. Toys (optional)

Baby hygiene:
1. Diapers: I plan to use Pet Pet for day use and Mamy Poko for night/travel use (Mamy Poko is more expensive) and I bought S size as per recommended by my sis-in-law; she said baby grows too fast, and Newborn size would be outworn too soon
2. Changing mat
3. Rash spray: I use Eliminator by Neways, also recommended by mom-in-law
4. Wet wipes: Travel pack is enough and less pricey too
5. Baby body and hair oil
6. Baby cream
7. Manicure set

Baby clothes:
1. Day wear: Sleeveless/short sleeves with short pants, rompers. Make sure you have at least 10 sets, but only buy max of 3 sets of Newborn size. The rest should be of bigger sizes (3-6m, 6-9m, 9-12m) since yeah, baby outgrows them fast :)
2. Night wear: Long sleeve with long pants/leggings, jumpsuits, sleepsuits. Quantity and sizes should be the same with Day Wear
3. Caps, mittens and boots: We bought only 3 sets. Some people give these are presents (the same with Day and Night Wears), and my friend said her son only wore mittens for 2 months since he wasn’t comfortable with them. It would depend on your baby so you don’t have to buy a lot.
4. Barut/Dressing: My sisters said I would need A LOT, so I bought A LOT. But my friends said their babies don’t even wear these after 3 months, so I guess it depends on your baby again. Just make sure you have at least 5 pcs, just in case :)
5. Blanket: I bought 1 hooded blanket, and 4 ordinary blankets. 5 should do I guess, since your baby might leak his/her wee-wee and the blanket would get dirty and needs to be changed
6. Washclothes: I bought a set of 8 for just RM10 so I guess that would be more than enough

Baby travel & sleeping time:
1. Travel bag: I bought a set of a small and big travel bag, the small one is for a day trip, and the bigger one is for a weekend/longer trips :)
2. Travel changing mat: It came with the bag
3. Comforter set: A comforter, one head pillow, and two lil bolsters
4. Baby cot

Baby feeding:
1. Nursing bras: If you plan to breastfeed
2. Breast pads: 4 sets for a start is good enough :)
3. Nipple cream: If you plan to breastfeed, this is very important!
4. Breastfeed-friendly clothes
5. Breastpump: I am saving up for a Medela Free Style :)
6. Feeding bottle: I bought Como Tomo brand since it mimics mom’s breast and is made of silicone which is safer and longer lasting (I hope)
7. Storage bags/bottles and cooler packs

Confinement - Don’t forget yourself! :)
1. Maternity pad
2. Disposable panties
3. Bengkung/Dressing
4. Confinement set (outer): Feminine wash, massaging oil, bathing herbs, bath scrub, slimming lotion, relaxing oil, and a warm pad
5. Confinement set (inner/supplement): I plan to use Shaklee products, since I have been using them since before I got married. For confinement set, you would need ESP, Vitalea, Zinc Complex, Ostematrix, B-Complex, and Vita-C Plus
6. Thick socks
7. Massages and “Bertungku” session: At least for the first 3 and last 3 days of your 2-months confinement

I hope these help. I am 35 weeks pregnant and I can’t wait to meet our baby. InsyaAllah ameeen :)

Happy Birthday, abah. I miss you.

I could say that it was a weekend of accidents.

We went back to my in-law's house for hubby's cousin's wedding ceremony on Friday's night and was caught in a 10km-long traffic jam, due to an ice lorry from the opposite side of the road skidded off and crushed two cars on our lane. By the time we arrived at the accident spot the road was already cleared. May Allah have mercy on those souls. The usual 2.5 hours trip became almost 4 hours.

On our way back, there was an accident involving 5 cars. I didn't dare to peek outside the window to see how bad it was but hubby said there was only one car left on the emergency lane; the rest have all been cleared. The back of the car was totally smashed, windows crashed into pieces, stuffs from the back seat was crushed and pushed into the car, I could see a pink pillow amidst the chaos of broken things, still embedded at the back dashboard. I forced myself not to look too closely since I didn't want to see any blood (if there was any). 

I always remember how mama always say abah doesn't want us to see any view of accidents in case we happen to be nearby, but even then abah didn't mind to share some gruesome photos that was pinned on the whiteboard in his office - pictures of crime evidences - of chopped hands, blood stains on the floor, white powder scattered around the crime scene, while he was in the Narcotic Department. At that time I didn't mind. I was proud to be a policeman's daughter, and I aimed to look like one - fearless, indifferent, cool. I managed to pull off the character until high school. Because after that, I fell in love. But perhaps some of them still remain, the coolness, the indifference towards certain things in life, but I guess I have become more attentive, interested and expressive than ever. Thanks to a husband who is always showy of his love to his family, and me.

It was pouring heavier than ever after we passed by the accident area. Hubby haven't changed the broken wipers so we had to drive slow. At certain points all cars were driving slower even on the right lane. People started to flash on hazard lights, including my husband, and when I asked why he said it is to help the motorists see clearer. He said "Poor those motorists" every time a motorcycle passed by. I could relate, it must be aching and cold and scared at the same time. Thank Allah no one on motorcycle was a child. If not, it would be most terrible to see.

Looking at the scene in front of us, I suddenly blurted out, "If Malaysia has four seasons, road riders would be more responsible." Hubby's eyes were still on the road but he asked why.

"Which one do you pity more - people who are hot or people who are cold?"

"Cold ones."

"Exactly. Imagine 4 months of winter season with this kind of heavy downpour on the road. And also the thick ice. We here have air conds in our car, they have heaters to warm them up since most of the time, it is cold."

"Aman's car has heater inside."

"Yeah, like the one in Aman's car (it is an imported model). I have always liked the idea they show us in the movies, when someone gets stranded out with no where to go, suddenly knocked on a door and a kind lady opened it, seeing a freezing person outside, rushing them to come into the house, putting onto them a blanket and offered them hot chocolate to warm them up. Before I went to Australia, I never really understood how cold it could be. Being cold can be very miserable and pitiful."

"And seeing how the cars have became really concerned towards motorcyclists here, giving away hazard lights to guide them during this bad weather, having pity thoughts and suddenly became more concerned of other people's safety - don't that earn us some merits, albeit the rain? It's like, we are all one - humans - against a bigger force - the weather - and we all unite to keep each others safe."

Suddenly I thought about my own thinking, this is legend.

My husband has long been lost inside his own thoughts, but he listens nevertheless. I myself didn't notice when I actually stopped talking and became drowned in my own thoughts as well. The rain was really powerful it did that. 

Even now all I could clearly remember from last night was the very heavy rain, and how the roads and cars and motorcycles looked when they all slowed down. And amidst that I could visualize Australia again, during the cold nights of Melbourne. The sound of the heater and the still nights when I walked pass the dryer machines room. They were so still that they were restless at the same time.

Irfan is kicking harder now, and my throat is feeling more and more burned due to perhaps haven't eaten my lunch. 

I try to postpone thinking about my family every time I am trying to eat, since I can lose my appetite so easily. It is not an easy thing to deal with when after all these years, you can't even express yourself, and when you did, everyone misunderstands you, and while you are pregnant with your first child and you are barely managing.

I always try to write what I feel but now I have became so tired of what has becoming of recent events, but I will try again some time later.

And the rest, I leave them all to You, ya Allah.

jangan lupa namaku - II

http://meniruanginmenyanyi.blogspot.com/2013/01/assalamualaikum-irfan.html

remember when mama wrote to you last year, irfan? guess what, insyaAllah you will meet abah and mama in about 2 months time (yeay!)

at seven months i never knew i could vomit like i did when i was still having my morning sickness. and for some reason i thought i needed to hear some music and alas, i picked the same song all over again, the one i have always loved to hear since the first time he asked me to listen to it.

once, when we were listening to this song together, i was sitting on the floor while he sat on a chair, and he gently pulls my head to rest onto his lap. he then caressed me slowly, and he asked me to always remember the lyrics.

and i did. i love to sing along to this song but there were times when i just listen to it, without making a sound, like really listen. and what i hear is his voice, his words. 

abah loves mama so much, irfan.

and after all the years that mama have waited for abah to finish his degree, seeing abah only on weekends and holidays, bearing the pain of separation, while carrying you sometimes mama feel so alone and abah said 'irfan kan ada teman anje :)' and then you kicked inside mama, which is one of the best feelings in the world. and mama can put the smiley after the words right there because mama knows abah always smiled when he said those words.

but now alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, abah has successfully finished his degree and is staying with us, irfan. a new episode begins.

we can't wait to start preparing for your arrival, and lets together pray for our family's happiness, longevity and blessings from Allah, shall we? mama loves irfan and abah irfan so, so much only Allah knows :)

qilaamir.tumblr.com

ハグとニーナ

I got to spend some time with my laptop these few nights.

All I can say is,
you need to take some time off for yourself once in a while.
you need to create space with your beloved half, family and work that have encapsulated you.
you need to just.be.you.

I used to sleep late.
I used to have teary eyes, with or without reason.
I used to listen to yawarakana jikan to sleep.
I used to befriend strangers.
And these strangers, whom some I have never met, have changed my life forever.
I used to just look from afar.
I used to be detached from others, and learnt to enjoy things as they are, with no expectations.
I had a lot of dreams. And nightmares too.
I used to keep my lips tight when I actually have amount of stories to tell,
And be contented simply by praying hard.
I used to be able to workout everyday,
dieting on Pepsi Max, Lays & Shin Ramen.
I used to feel very empty, but always accompanied.
I used to want less,
But I did a lot by myself.
I used to have a lot of me-time, and-
I used to be close to You more than anything.

And after years of living with other people,
working like I'm in sure hell,
and almost losing myself,

I miss me too bad.
Too bad that I almost cried when I realized how far I have been displaced from myself,
from being me.
I then knew that no matter how good my life has developed whilst surrounded by very awesome people,
no matter how important a career woman I have become,

I still miss me.
To be drawn deep into a heart of longing for reminiscence, ponders and wonders.
To be lost in the yellowy of summer, grinning,
or to struggle with clenching teeth, almost hating winter.
To snap endless photos of spring, imagining how it would be like to be able to capture the songs of the flowers too.
Or to walk alone after a stressful test in fall, relieved, squeezing the dead leaves and watching them blown onto the side of the road.

.Me.

I'm looking for myself again.

Shang Ri Lo

The sun shone intermittently into the panes of our bedroom's window, it looks more like a summer day then. Inside, I was laying on my back doing some cycling, it has been a long while since I last exercise at home. This is probably the first in about six months.

I was listening to the now-became-mundane song from my iPod. It was mio nemico. Somehow, peculiarly enough, I tried to dive into the song again. Maybe because I had to, since I haven't updated my songs list. Or maybe because I was just trying to relive the past.

Even so, when I looked up at the ceiling, the view was stunning. The sun rays gave life to the spinning fan, making it looked like a very big daisy. With the breezing wind, I felt like I was blanketed by it.

It was the first bright insight in ages; I could feel myself soaked in me again after so long. The fact that I had that perspicacity, that personification element in that tiny bedroom shocked me that it didn't tear my eyes. I was simply shocked that I still had it in me.

I guess then I don't easily vanished just because my life has changed.

I would love it so much to write more, to observe and be able to describe things more like I do, to see from my own eyes, to sing more, to cycle more, to exercise more. Because I become alive when I do.

And I miss Australia ever more. Ever more.

Pepsi Twist instead of my all-time favourite Pepsi Max

I may say that it is the post-sickness syndrome.

11 hours straight of sleep and now I feel like doing everything I can get my hands to. Washing the clothes, having a great breakfast, cleaning the room, writing my blog.

I always experience this after I recover from painful sickness; a fever, or a severe headache. Amid the crazy workload in the office, it struck me of what my husband said - Perhaps this is the only way that I might finally have some rest.

And it worked. It had been quite a long time since I feel this energetic.

I was fasting yesterday, and the pounding headache started just after I went out from the subway into the office building. And it built up since; I felt as if I wanted to drill a hole into my head. I tried to sleep, but that only worked for an hour or two. After that, I found myself kneeling on the floor, looking down to avoid the lights, and crying, because I didn't know what else to do.

I vomited green at nearly 5 o'clock in the afternoon. I texted my husband; "I'm going to the clinic; I can't take it anymore."

It was a brief meeting with the doctor, she prescribed me Cefargot with a smile, telling me I should be okay by the morning. "Migraine? But I have never had it before," I conflicted, but she just said, "Well, it can develop." And showed me the way out.

Later when I told my husband that the doctor prescribed me Cefargot, he said the doctor was wrong. We knew better; it was the insane workload, the restless hours, the worries of due dates that drawn my body to sickness. And I guess we were right; I am now okay with only painkillers. I didn't take any Cefargot. I had a feeling that taking those pills will make me sick again, next time with an actual migraine.

I have always hated this clinic. The doctors seemed to be more like machines rather than doctors. I overheard a conversation between the clinic attendant and a foreigner. She should have had an appointment yesterday afternoon, but the clinic had to cancel it, so they called this lady to say so. Thing is, she wasn't able to pick up the call, and presumed that it was nothing so she continued to go to the clinic as planned.

She arrived at the clinic having the clinic TA telling her that the appointment had actually been cancelled. She was devastated and asked why didn't she be informed about it. The clinic TA claimed that they had actually called her to tell her about the cancellation.

"How many times did you call me? I have only one miscall. In my country, the clinic will call many times to make sure the patient is well informed."

The clinic TA fell silent. The lady then shook her head and went out.

Well, I dig her enough. But I wasn't really listening; my head was pounding too hard. At about 5.45 o'clock, my husband came to pick me home.

I wanted to eat beef porridge to break fast, so we went to look for one, much to my disappointment, though.

While my husband ordered chicken rice at a Chinese Muslim restaurant, I waited in the car, viewing the world passing through outside the car window. I looked, and wondered; why is it that most of the time I never get to eat what I actually wanted at the time? I really wanted to eat beef porridge, and I was fasting, AND I was not feeling well. I ought to get what I wanted, right? Is it too hard a request?

I was almost crying, when I realized,

Perhaps this is what Allah wants. Perhaps He wants to teach me that His wills are far better than my desires. Perhaps He wants me to align my desires to His wills.

Oh Allah, then, I will eat what You pleases me to eat. Whatever You have decided for me, they are all the best, because You always know better.

It was a teary realization, but it had put my heart at ease. And I cannot thank You enough, my Lord. Alhamdulillah.

Now, off for some clothes hanging business! :)

is that you, mr kunci hilang? i wonder.

there's a saying that goes

'everyday is quite a routine but you are always a different person from you were yesterday. a little wiser, a little..more.'

i had the chance to go through my past posts and comments.

to feel the same way as when i was writing them long ago. to get comments like 'anta no koto nanka omoshiroi. kotoba. yasashi no kotoba'. and to relive the experience.

i guess the calling to write and have a blog was a right choice. sometimes i wonder whether i would like to reread my posts and to acknowledge that things are different now and then; i might be missing parts of my life that i dont know whether i can have them again or not. and to wonder about whether my life has been better or worse now.

i realized now that it is not important. all these times, all these experiences, the good and bad-

are all me. the minion orphan who have a wondrous life experiences.

i walked alone yesterday from the heavily congested traffic, into the greenery area of our future rental house. there were doves picking on the grass, cars were very few, the grass are light green to yellowish in colour. there were little hills by which stairs are built to connect between the different blocks, and our block is slate clean. some newborn cats are resting under the hot sun, some are sleeping with their mothers. leftover rice were carefully put on newspapers at one corner of the building, under the stairs so it wont get spoiled by wind or rain. i couldnt remember if there was a bowl of water next to it, but i'd like to believe that it was there.

mr yap: so how's our princess doing today?
me: well..the princess thinks that she has found her house.
mr yap: ahh..good for you. how far is it from lrt?
me: about 15 mins walk.
mr yap: that's quite far..and the area..there are many bad hats around, you know. i know the area. i am worry for you.
me: yeah..well my future neighbour said he brings a big umbrella with him always, just for protection.
mr yap: well..yeah..but being you you need to be less attractive..you look like a princess you should need an escort wherever you go.
me: hahaha..i should be fine with the umbrella..perhaps i shouldnt go back home late as well.
mr yap: yes. and wear snickers to and fro work to help you walk and run.
me: yep.
mr yap: you should bring jeans with you as well. change everyday before you go back home. make it a habit, you'll get used to it fairly fast.
me: that's good advice. thanks mr yap!

back to lrt, i followed a short cut paved with red bricks with big shady trees bellowing their leaves from atop to mask the blaring sun. i was sweating my shirts wet but calm inside. out from the paved road, i continued my steps again into a busier, more hectic traffic.

into a busier, more hectic life.

just to get challenged again. just to get riled up the courses of harsh reality, demands and expectations again.

well, it doesnt matter. i dont have all the time in the world anyway, and so does all problems. i just need to catch up, be wiser, keep moving forward. thats the only sensible choice i can come with.

ganbaranakya yo ne.

p.s: have a blessed birthday, habib ali al jufri. i like to hear you and see you smile i think i am seeing a bit of the prophet through your eyes.

concerning the sound of a train whistle in the night - haruki murakami

this is the 400th post.

i went back early today; well, we all did. nadia and i went to kino. i wanted to find a part of me that's missing.

when i walked back home, the rain has just stopped but sun rays were already dancing through the leaves. Traces of rain drops falling from the leaves of the line of trees where i was walking, and then absorbed by the pavement and some of them seeped into my shoes i was almost careful not to splash them. the sky was heavy but bright at the same time, shades of grey and dark blue and white filled the sea blue sky. i could see KLCC from where i was standing.

nearer to my block i could hear guitar being played, the music reminds me of hobbies and good times, and how everyone should have some spare time to do what they really want to do, everyday. that very thought clenches my heart sometimes too tight but i usually would have been too tired to remove it. missing a part of yourself is like a coming wave, it comes to you for a sudden without you anticipate it, and sometimes it goes away from you unnoticed. and i, the more, want it back that it aches me to remember the glittering past whereby i can sit still all afternoon and spend it quietly with the chirps of birds and swimming ducks by the student accommodation's lake.

so i try, little by little, to bring back those times, albeit it is not common. although it would take some time, although at certain places and conditions it would not fit. even earlier when i was watching those falling rain drops, i blinked many times, just to make sure my eyes took enough snapshots to store it longer in my mind.

my creativity is one of the fine arts that define me, and it is draining i can feel i am not soaked in it anymore like i was in my formal studying years. and darn it, i cannot let it go i want it back too much i will definitely get it back with His will. and He knows best.

i stumbled upon a book on creativity, on how to stay creative, some words are:

- dont wait until you are better to be creative
- everyone should have a side job, a part hobby
- write what you want to read

very good insights indeed.

ascending up the lift, i then wondered about the time that we can eventually live together, in our own house, with our own furniture, book shelves, kitchen, toilets, bedrooms, and lawns.

if we cannot have our own book room, then our bedroom and living room will have a lot of book shelves. i am a book keeper so i will find it hard to let go of books. some i will keep just to make sure i will read them again with different perspectives, just to track how much i have changed between the years.

i love children books so no matter how many children we would have i will eventually buy some time by time. i love the honest and merry english and i'm always amazed how simple words can mean the world to me sometimes. and japanese books, too, as i am sure as heaven right now that no matter what i cannot let go of my dream to go there, or live there for a while, or for forever. i don't know about forever yet, but i am sure going. im going, no matter what.

and i will make sure that the cupboards and book shelves are all wood-made, so after some years it would smell of books and trees and chocolate pages. and i will have a lot of note books by which i doodle or draw or write good quotes or some japanese. i haven't found one type that i can live with forever, though. although some are very nice and 'me' but since they are pricey they are automatically out. i have decided that i don't need a lot of money to be creative, my history has definitely proved that.

and my wardrobe will be full of colours, so of course i will arrange them according to the rainbow. but i am not sure about my wardrobe being tidy; sometimes he is better and sometimes i do like to play around with my things up to a point that they would become messy. a little bit- i am a freaking perfectionist to be able to stay messy, anyway.

by thinking how 'me' i can be, makes me happy. (^___~)Y

"happiness is when what you think, say and do, are in harmony"

da ne?

and there's another thing that makes me happy that each time i recall it my heart will feel warm and my mind can be calm again.

the moment when i just finished drying my body after bath and he came with a comb, asked me to sit in front of him and started to comb my hair. although i see in movies that they usually chat about a lot of nice things during that time but i was too happy that i didn't know what words to say.

a taste of heaven, i should have said. thank you forever, my soulmate cum hubby. i love you.

i hate to go to ttmc. i'll try to go again tomorrow, hubby =)

seriously, there have been times when i stood in front of my laptop thinking about what i really want to write. for hours. and i end up not writing anything.

like..almost now.

maybe because i am more into editing pictures now. similar to when i was in australia. yes, when i was still single *ehem*.

or maybe because i am more into reading tales now. did you know that cinderella was actually first written as a story by the name of ashputtel? and snow white as snowdrop? but it is amazing how rumplestiltskin, hansel and gretel and frog the prince remains original throughout time.

or maybe because when i had the excitement of writing again, i checked that my last post was only 26 days ago, which is somehow "premature".

or maybe because now it is already 11pm and i have made some sort of pledge to sleep early.

ahh..these probable causes have masked my "should-be" idea to write.

anyways. glad my ipod's ok now. this is one chump that always reminds me how lucky i am.

since i got it, a new ipad, and a new iphone completely free. from lucky draws and my lucky man.

cheers (i just realized how long since i last used this word) and good night (read first: husband &) people.

assalamualaikum.

assalamualaikum irfan =)

i have wrote to my daughter but i had dreamed of a boy.

our irfan. it could only be a dream, but it can also be true, so mama sends assalamualaikum to you who are still in alam barzakh, dearest irfan. mama woke up beside daddy that morning, still numb after dreaming you. daddy asked mama why. you were so cute, a little spoiled like me as you cried a little when daddy left for work. mama called your name many times to soothe you. you had daddy's eyes, and your hair was so straight, soft and shiny. and yes, you are so brilliant we can see it from your eyes.

irfan, mama wrote to your sister about marriage in the earlier post. so let me continue the story, you both can share the stories later :)

mama suffered from acne during the year before daddy and mama got married. and sometimes we sulked. especially mama, i am a damn perfectionist when it comes to..well, everything. but the fact that mama knows that always make mama struggle to not being one, because it can hurt a lot.

but you know irfan,

being married to daddy might just be the most magical thing in mama's life. mama may not be able to tell you how, but insyaAllah daddy and mama will show you. and hopefully you will understand, and most importantly, feel happy and blessed just like we both have felt, all the way, all the way.

if mama have the time, mama will tell you many stories of challenges, pain and difficulties that we have gone through. and that the end of each stories, we will smile and laugh together because Allah's love is great and He always show us the way out, the solutions to every problem we have.

irfan,

mama dont know how to describe why mama fell in love with daddy, but mama will try.

mama has seen a lot of big guys but mama havent seen one with guts as big as his. this includes how brave daddy is to ask mama's hand for marriage and to strive on making it successful, how brave he is to cry with mama when mama is sad and humbly  apologize when something is wrong.

mama has seen a lot of guys who can flatter anyone with their words but mama havent seen one who can understand mama's words and silences better than he can. and he can understand almost anyone, he can make almost anyone smile sometimes just by hearing his voice.

and he cannot wait to have you, he was so excited to know about mama dreaming of you. he asked what were we doing, where were we, how did you look like, how old were you in mama's dream.

no words can describe how happy and relieved mama is when alhamdulillah we are destined to be together as husband and wife on 1.2.34H last year. and to be blessed by families and friends? it was priceless.

but this year is a challenging year for us, irfan. so we'll take one step at a time, shall we?

i couldnt imagine speaking to my boy yet, that's why its the daughter this time

someone noticed that i havent written for quite some time so i told her the reason is because i am busy with preparing for my wedding.

'so you should write about your wedding.'

well, that's...irony, dear. but i didnt have the idea to really write, until now. its because i actually have some time now (while waiting for movie time) and because i wondered about something.

it is this- i want to write to my (future) daughter. wahai anakku (ok that is quite jelly-sound for me).

i want to tell her how much his mother loves her father, and how her father loves her mother more. and i want to tell her why her parents' love is special. out of the world. jupiter-like.

and what's more important is, i want to tell her that loving is hard. but she'll survive, just like her parents have survived.

dear child,

getting married means having something you never knew before.

for example, acne.

when out of the blue, one morning, you might feel like your world has a dim future, because acne never registered as a possible feature in the history of your grandeur life. you, a very cute little thing, who have features like kim tae hee, has acne. not one, not two, but several, like volcanoes waiting to erupt. like a map waiting to be drawn. its that scary that it would make you aware of your sleeping position, because you read that the side of your face which is routinely fixed onto the pillow might have a higher chance for acne to develop.

it would make you spend thousands of ringgit (i am not kidding) to try different face products that might ease and put away the acne. and there was a time when you felt like you have to learn to accept the possibility that acne might just stay and be a part of your life, forever, and the only thing that might make you remember how beautiful you used to be is the pictures in your facebook account. for better or for worse, you might then think. it has been almost a damn full year, and you still havent fully recovered. with all the things that are happening in your life, you might just curse and say 'just screw all this thing'.

there's another thing you might notice when you are getting married, my child.

that you both will fight, sometimes badly, you might cry more because you are hurt rather than because you miss him, and suddenly things are not that sweet anymore it might sometimes become lame. you might think that you would be stuck with the same person with the same habits and you might start to question whether you really are ready or not.

and sometimes when you put faith into the relationship and try to work it out, it worked one time but the fight happens again another time, not long after, and it would make you angry and very, very tired. you would sometimes ask yourself what are you actually doing, because you dont know anything about him and yourself anymore.

and even writing this is tiring, mama needs to stop for a while. we'll continue later, lovely. dont tell your daddy i tell you this, okay.

dildaara (stand by me)

Since the fist time I saw this woman I have become inspired with her looks, her voice, her language, the way she dresses, the vitality she has. I should someday tell her this, when the time is braver and less shameful. Right now, I simply feel incompetent and there would be little meaning to my words.

And this dildaara song has gotten me dancing again in melody, and the fact that it so much somehow reflects what India is like (Beautiful Forever has somehow changed my perspective on India almost entirely) definitely have put more meanings to this special country. Thank you to another lady again.

Such significant ladies which I have always have a dream to become someday. Such beautiful ladies with their own crafts not even the best man can copy. Such energy and consistent resonance to drive a changing force, yet gentle and supportive in nature. I am not just envious; the motivation transpired through me almost transparently.

The engagement session with her today has given me some hope; I don't know for better or worse though, I am that skeptical. But what I know for sure, is that she has something I have been looking for for too long in the company. She emphasizes non-stop on core empowerment, the basics behind why we are doing things, the very reason we are here. It just finally makes sense to me.

She said she asked to change her profession because she wanted to make an impact. She wanted to showcase that if something is successful, it would be because of her, and if it becomes a failure, it would also be because of her. Her courage to own problems is what turned me really silent and listened. She has such a powerful mind. This lady, is not only has quality in her work, but in her personality as well.

She has done it due to choice, and I want to mimic her, if not be better than her. Yes, condition has put me in this corner of a tough choice; but what I have painfully learnt was that there must be for a reason. I guess condition has always played an important role in changing the course of my life. And I want to turn this into something good. I want to add some values into my life. I want it to be meaningful. There are still a lot more in me, I am non-exhaustive at the things I want to do and achieve in my life that at some point I am afraid that I will lose you.

But the dreams are high enough for me that I guess I will brave the nightmares to achieve it. I still can't give them up. I guess I'll just do what I do best and let Him decide on which path to take. And through all these years, I should know better on how much long you have been beside me, making me smile after each tears. Holding me closely with such assuring words and confident ways. Nothing is too much for you when it's about sacrificing for me.

So I will ask from you humbly, my love - please be patient with me. We will achieve something big. InsyaAllah, ameen ameen ameeeennnn ya Allah...

And just as you are, I cannot wait to marry you :)

peanut butter candy sugar high

counting days?

i dont know. i just live and see what will come. and pray that they are all for the best. ya Allah please ease everything for us and make us successful. ameen3.

he said we'll go back to the place i've missed.

i always dream of going there with him, to the exact same spot where i was strolling alone in the cold wind, or to the place where i was drinking tea while looking at the rainy day outside the window, listening to 'gentle time', and tell him,

"this is where i have been missing and thinking about you. secretly."

pieces of her heart

A little girl has been made orphan when God took her dear father back to His side.

she cried and asked, 'God, why did You take him from me?'

'because,' God answered, 'I want to take care of you Myself.' but she didn't hear the answer the first time, for she was crying too loud.

she couldn't remember how the day was, but she had seen it coming. the way her mother trembled when the police came, the simple but sharp directions her mother gave before she went to the hospital, 'clean the house, wear clothes onto your brothers and sister, wait for your father's friends to come pick you up.' and the look on her mother's face somehow said 'i think it's time.' and before she could even stop her mother to ask what she meant, although her teary eyes longed so much for convict that what she thought isn't real, her mother was gone.

and she was left alone to manage the house and her siblings.

a thousand things played wildly inside her head, the way they never did before. everything spins without direction, and she was trembling so hard that she couldn't focus on what she was doing. the only thing she had in mind is that she wanted to see her father smiling back at her, so desperately; she wanted for him to see her during her wedding day.

only to found out that he truly would never.

no one knew the depth of her hollow screams, although everyone could never forget them. she said everyone there was lying; that their sad looks were invalid. she tried to shake her father and asked him to wake up. she wanted her father to back her up, telling everyone to go away, hug his girl and save her from all harm. she wanted her father to save her from all the pity eyes around her that were watching her as if they would eat her alive in blood.

but when she saw how still her father was on the death board and how loud her mother was crying, she knew she has lost her savior. she knew she had to succumb. and she fell silent in shivers.

in which she learned to keep everything to herself.

she remembered how; only after 2 days her father died, she was scolded so badly by her aunt who were taking care of the family during the mourning days. her mother had become dysfunctional and blank, leaving her aunt and uncle to monitor their daily management; from eating to cleaning the house and taking her siblings out for some fresh air which somehow smelt like death.

she couldn't remember why she was scolded but she was told that since she is the eldest she should be responsible for everything. she had been made to understand that everything wrong is her fault. she was then left alone crying and hiding her face onto the cushions where her father used to lie for his afternoon naps. the cushions had been wet with her tears and she was covering her mouth so that no one would hear her calling to her father to rescue her. she cried until she fell asleep, with no tender hands gently touching her to make everything okay, without any soothing voice that tell her it's alright.

alone.

so she had accepted her fate, for her only solace was that she would always convince herself that it won't be too long before she can meet her father again. she gave her all, gave up her childhood and give away helps and deeds whatsoever they mean to everyone around her.

as long as they are okay, she always tell herself. because they are more important.

amidst her struggle and pain she didn't see him coming for her. she didn't see that she would love him so dear she could laugh and cry at the same time when she is with him. she didn't see that she would be that important for him. she didn't even know he would exist in her life.

but he did. and he messed up with everything she feels and thinks. he dug deep inside the hollow trench she had been keeping away from everyone. she didn't even notice she was exposing her own pain and fear in front of him between thick glass. he didn't know her pain, he didn't mind and he didn't care, all he knew was that he loves her. and for him, it seems to be enough.

but they are still packages of stories. they fight, they love and they unravel each other, so intricately woven that they couldn't imagine a world without one another anymore.

however, for a little girl who have suffered a daughter's worst nightmare, she has trained herself to expect the worst.

she said, 'if in the future i do something wrong and you decided to..'

'shhh.' he quickly cut her words. 'dont speak no more.' he paused, and continued, as if looking right through what she was thinking, about perhaps he might ended up leaving her, about perhaps she would do wrongs so much that he would eventually hate her, about perhaps if it wasn't she his life would have been better,

'everything will be alright.' he smiled.

she closed her eyes to pray, and she heard what God tried to say to her.

all these years. rewinding.

say i love you when you're not listening

the new song brought me back to the years when i still didnt have you.

after all these times and thinking how we will insyaAllah be united very soon makes me feel somehow in disbelief, sometimes. because i really thought that i would lose you, sooner or later. because i had lost people closest to me. because i dont want to feel hurt anymore. because, twice, i have been shattered. i made mistakes, i blamed their demise on myself. i always told that i could have been better. but i am not perfect. im not God. i always told myself that if you ever see these scars, you would definitely leave.

but you simply said that's not your style. that you have made your mind, and you are on your way.

i used to think that i live for others, until you found me. until you perfect me and i dont know how, but effortlessly, i perfect you. you told me that for us, it is always a win-win situation, a both sides fortune.

a two-sided coins. half of a heart each.

new shoes :)

a voice said i havent write too long. guess 2 months are not that close.

its freaky that i still have that shivers running through my veins when i thought about ACD. i can liken the first assessment experience and its interpretively horrible ending to my driving lessons classes - it was that horror. with all the crying and stuffs.

i should be stronger now. just dont know how strong. how would i know, then? (read: this is a VERY big question mark).

 i went a lot with him in these late months. so much conflicts happened and such blessings to have them all answered very unexpectedly and gracefully indeed. when we both looked back, he went silent for a minute and said, "it feels like everything has been made easier for us." indeed they have, and i was speechless, and he asked "why?" i smiled a bit and said "yeah. i dont know what to say, actually." and he said, "then say alhamdulillah." and gestured with his shoulder. i smiled wide and said alhamdulillah a lot a lot as i can remember i didnt count them, until i got teary and he gently said "everything will be okay."

i got my health back. alhamdulillah.

his business is doing good. alhamdulillah.

my work is pacing up. alhamdulillah.

we got two free vacations. alhamdulillah.

 the BIG day will be this year! alhamdulillah.

and most importantly, my dear prayers have been, oh, dearly answered. thank You, ya Allah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.