Thursday, 22 March 2012

It was Huddle's first time :)

Perhaps I should reclaim, on how life has been putting on strong waves upon me, but amidst the forceful sea, there are fish swimming around my fragile body; their colours glare and excite me more than ever, of their beauty. They resemble all the lessons life has instilled for me, to guide my way when I am lost, to befriend me when I am teary, and applause when I accomplish good.

And in that sea of life, I found vastness of love and kindness within, of which I found peace and hope. In each day I stroll my legs onto the ground, in each time I take a long gaze at the morning sky, chanting Your name.

One of our best teachers had gone back to Allah peacefully while she was warded in KPJ Specialist Hospital. We three young souls took a decision in a spun of a minute to go accompany our beloved teacher back to her hometown where she would be buried, and consoled her precious daughter (which happens to be our very close batch mate).

It was an unplanned trip, an unplanned meeting and conversation, nevertheless it went far better than we had expected; it made us realize that no matter how young we are, it is not the reason why we should not think about the preparations to die. And it also made us realized that we are not kids anymore, now we can drive in a car, find our own ways to school and really talk about serious matters.

"Do you remember? That when we were in high school, we planned about a lot of things, and no matter how fail and wrong we have been, we always, always acted like we know everything." I said to my dear friend.

She replied, "Yes, how immature we have been, weren't we? I am now more cautious, more observant, and much more obliged and trained to be careful than I was before."

"So do I," I said, with a small laugh, as we recalled the ignorant times, when we were more outspoken than bashful. How it meant everything or nothing, yes or no. Today, things are ever more complicated, but somehow we must manage.

I remembered what S.E. Hinton had said in her novel, "Things are rough all over, but stay gold, Ponytail. Stay Gold."

Today, I had mixed feelings; I almost concluded that I may feel both thankful and remorse when I got the news. It was a news everyone was waiting for, and most people are ever so delighted when they heard it that their faces gleamed of plans they can now carry on and things they can now buy.

I felt blessed to be among very successful people; although I felt quite jealous I couldn't help feeling happy for them because I know they do deserve it. I almost overreacted that one of my colleague said he would pinch me if I so ever open my mouth about his success and then, another friend and he teased me for something I have loved all my life that I felt quite hurt.

Afterwards, they did try to make up for it but I already had the mixed feelings, especially when I knew that I had been graded the same as people who do less than what I have done. I was very active last year and worked hard but my confidante friends said there had been an internal issue and I was not at all at fault of my very ordinary performance result.

I cried softly a bit and wiped it before it got too teary; searched for my iPod and listened to the songs when I found it. It made me forget about it for a while and helped me to be calm.

I then remembered what I have read from Little Women; that novel has helped me a lot in coping with my problems; big and small, and I am so thankful that it found me. I wish I can be the wonderful characters in it, especially Mrs March, whom I had found to be such a dear and wonderful, strong-willed woman. I then set her as my ambition and despite the hard news, pulled myself together and accepted the gift from Allah open-heartedly, and with wisdom. I won't feel any remorse, but I will work harder, insyaAllah.

And because I never can spare a secret from him, and we have made it a habitual thing to share all the pieces we experience and feel everyday, so I told him about the news, and how it had made me feel.

When he knew about this, he felt sorry for the result, but he was very delighted to see that I can now govern my feelings better, and he is very proud of his girl. Boy, I am so thankful that he said that; I thought no human ever notices my struggling.

Thank You Allah. I know You have reserved the best next thing for me. :)