Friday, 6 July 2012

pieces of her heart

A little girl has been made orphan when God took her dear father back to His side.

she cried and asked, 'God, why did You take him from me?'

'because,' God answered, 'I want to take care of you Myself.' but she didn't hear the answer the first time, for she was crying too loud.

she couldn't remember how the day was, but she had seen it coming. the way her mother trembled when the police came, the simple but sharp directions her mother gave before she went to the hospital, 'clean the house, wear clothes onto your brothers and sister, wait for your father's friends to come pick you up.' and the look on her mother's face somehow said 'i think it's time.' and before she could even stop her mother to ask what she meant, although her teary eyes longed so much for convict that what she thought isn't real, her mother was gone.

and she was left alone to manage the house and her siblings.

a thousand things played wildly inside her head, the way they never did before. everything spins without direction, and she was trembling so hard that she couldn't focus on what she was doing. the only thing she had in mind is that she wanted to see her father smiling back at her, so desperately; she wanted for him to see her during her wedding day.

only to found out that he truly would never.

no one knew the depth of her hollow screams, although everyone could never forget them. she said everyone there was lying; that their sad looks were invalid. she tried to shake her father and asked him to wake up. she wanted her father to back her up, telling everyone to go away, hug his girl and save her from all harm. she wanted her father to save her from all the pity eyes around her that were watching her as if they would eat her alive in blood.

but when she saw how still her father was on the death board and how loud her mother was crying, she knew she has lost her savior. she knew she had to succumb. and she fell silent in shivers.

in which she learned to keep everything to herself.

she remembered how; only after 2 days her father died, she was scolded so badly by her aunt who were taking care of the family during the mourning days. her mother had become dysfunctional and blank, leaving her aunt and uncle to monitor their daily management; from eating to cleaning the house and taking her siblings out for some fresh air which somehow smelt like death.

she couldn't remember why she was scolded but she was told that since she is the eldest she should be responsible for everything. she had been made to understand that everything wrong is her fault. she was then left alone crying and hiding her face onto the cushions where her father used to lie for his afternoon naps. the cushions had been wet with her tears and she was covering her mouth so that no one would hear her calling to her father to rescue her. she cried until she fell asleep, with no tender hands gently touching her to make everything okay, without any soothing voice that tell her it's alright.


so she had accepted her fate, for her only solace was that she would always convince herself that it won't be too long before she can meet her father again. she gave her all, gave up her childhood and give away helps and deeds whatsoever they mean to everyone around her.

as long as they are okay, she always tell herself. because they are more important.

amidst her struggle and pain she didn't see him coming for her. she didn't see that she would love him so dear she could laugh and cry at the same time when she is with him. she didn't see that she would be that important for him. she didn't even know he would exist in her life.

but he did. and he messed up with everything she feels and thinks. he dug deep inside the hollow trench she had been keeping away from everyone. she didn't even notice she was exposing her own pain and fear in front of him between thick glass. he didn't know her pain, he didn't mind and he didn't care, all he knew was that he loves her. and for him, it seems to be enough.

but they are still packages of stories. they fight, they love and they unravel each other, so intricately woven that they couldn't imagine a world without one another anymore.

however, for a little girl who have suffered a daughter's worst nightmare, she has trained herself to expect the worst.

she said, 'if in the future i do something wrong and you decided to..'

'shhh.' he quickly cut her words. 'dont speak no more.' he paused, and continued, as if looking right through what she was thinking, about perhaps he might ended up leaving her, about perhaps she would do wrongs so much that he would eventually hate her, about perhaps if it wasn't she his life would have been better,

'everything will be alright.' he smiled.

she closed her eyes to pray, and she heard what God tried to say to her.

all these years. rewinding.