Wednesday, 31 March 2010

rm3708, level 37, tower 1

i don't really know what to conclude from yesterday's interview. perhaps because i found that i had so many shortcomings. but as mr faruk has mentioned, flaws are to be discovered and corrected.

so here i begin.

i wasn't sufficiently prepared for the interview. it has been very long since i had a good discussion which can build up my knowledge- i have left my books and done less readings after i graduated, lost contacts with most of my friends, been stuck at home and not really communicating actively. thus it affected my confidence somehow that i found myself struggling with the correct words and the right impressions for the interviewers.

second, i didn't had enough rest. this may not actually my fault; because things happened and all i could do was trying my best. i had a short notice on monday morning to come fill an empty interview slot the next day, and because i thought all i had to do was come to klcc the next morning and the email that i was about to receive was only regarding the details of the location and time of interview, i agreed to make an appearance.

however, i was instructed to do a questionnaire of 108 questions and also to complete online details and submitting my resume online, and i had to complete these before the interview session. apart from that, i had to prepare relevant documents and bring them to be certified. the internet connection in my house was very slow; the online page was barely downloaded and i almost cried thinking that i might not be able to settle the questionnaire on time. however my mother and boyfriend was very supportive, mama drove me here and there to help me settle the certifying thingy and my boyfriend called and voiced out each one of the questionnaire from number 1 until 108. it took us about three hours to complete. boy, i was very lucky. i slept then at about 2am and woke up at 430am to finish my online resume submission wherein i had to write an essay on why i should be hired. i didn't regret all that had happened; it taught me how in difficult times i have to hold on and to make sure i keep doing the best that i can, although to some extent it did affect my performance during the interview the next day.

on the other hand, i had two very supportive interviewers who didn't mind bearing with me and keep being positive throughout the whole interview. they helped me to expand my responses and give constructive criticisms to make me realize my mistakes and do immediate improvements for the better. to make amend, i told myself that a part of me which swings aimlessly; undecided, afraid to make approach, a part of me that thinks too much yet act less, should be halted. i vowed to upgrade my knowledge of the global world, being more matured not only in attitude-wise but also in knowledge sense. in short, i want to be more resourceful. insyaAllah ameen...

i don't know the result for the interview. they informed me that i can call after two weeks time. i really hope that i get the job, i really hope that i'll be given a chance to make amends. ameen ameen ameen...i'm touched that myra's mum did solat hajat for me. thank you so much mum.. :) and i want to thank mama, sayang, and the petronas staffs that have helped me so much in making sure that everything went well. alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah the highly exalted.

all's well that ends well, insyaAllah. ameen...

Thursday, 25 March 2010

encik aliah bersamamu, 25032010

i just finished watching 'the informant' starred by matt damon. i dont know why, his movies always have a way to make my head think of what i perhaps never brought myself to ponder upon. this time, it is about lying.

it scares me to tears to think about what could have been; the worst case scenario, i mean. how people can get swayed so far away doing a wrong thing, be it any types of crimes- stealing, cheating, white collar crimes, killing, even arguing with your friends and not respecting your own family- without knowing how big a disaster it has made upon you. when and how to stop. who would helped you realize that all the way, it has all been...wrong. and will you get the strength to change for the better, or will you even have the time and chances to mend things, to put things right. will there be people to help you get through your past, your guilt, your loss.

people can be so blinded by their ambitions, dreams and even themselves that they cannot see the truth anymore. more importantly when we are living in a world where religion and moral values are at second, well, perhaps third (or last?) place in human's heart, it is not easy to see and practice the solution to this problem anymore. one thing that comes into my mind then is that, i just hope i'll die well. and that i'll be saved. and i hope that everyone whom i know accept the same grateful fate. ameen.

all these uncertainties and fright for the future makes me contemplate how far people can go strolling down his or her life just to realize how much they love all the people that they left back home. and that all i have wanted is a life been blessed, no matter how hard it may be. it is hard to stay true to yourself, it's hard to stand being patient when life throws rubbish at your face, it's hard dealing with people with very different characteristics from yourself, it's hard to be intrapersonal sometimes, it's hard to keep your head high and continue trying to keep your pace with other people, not wanting to be left out, when sometimes you actually dont even care.

i was touched with this week's episode of 'bersamamu'. like malay people said, 'sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.' but i am deeply amazed by their spirit to make living and dealing with their drawbacks. the husband said that whenever he works, even if he doesnt stop for a rest at all, his wife never asks him to take a break, and he's okay with it. he said, 'we do as much as we can.' i found it beautiful because it gives them a clear purpose to live, when many of us are granted so many but still are lost in reasoning. but i guess, a soul is gifted with what it is able to carry.

alhamdulillah, we are still loved and blessed. alhamdulillah.

off to bed. take good care everyone. assalamualaikum and sleep tight.. =)

Saturday, 13 March 2010

akon- be with you

last week was quite a busy yet fulfilling one. nina broke three bones at work; i suddenly found myself in the train to kl sentral heading to her apartment at damansara about two hours after she called, still thinking about how i could be so drastic and committed about going. i have few friends; i don't socialize much and seldom travel far alone for a friend; even though i know that she needed help, i couldn't see anything that i can do for her.

but i guess it was because mama was so worried that the first thing in her mind was that nina needed help and someone had to be there, fast. at first i didn't mind going because i thought mama would accompany me as usual, but then she said she couldn't come because my brothers were having exams and she had to be home, and so i had to go alone. i have never been to nina's place before; i had to find my way there by myself. that made me realize how- because i have already accustomed to mama accompanying me everywhere when i am at home- that i had took her existence for granted. deep inside i have always dreamed to be like other girls my age who go places with their friends, driving cars to work and don't really stick at home. unlike me who sits at home, cooking, watching over my brothers, reading and watching movies. it sets such a juxtaposition to my education level; i am forced to think that "i'm supposed to do this and that, instead of being stuck at home".

frankly speaking, i don't really care. sometimes i feel that all i want to do is to be married to him, live happily as an obedient housewife and a good mother at home. but i know that's impossible; there would always be something inside me, something i am born with, something i'm destined to do, a bigger contribution for the whole world, a heavier responsibility, that will continuously starves for my attention. i need very supportive mother, husband and family that can understand my hunger in educating myself and the community, helping other people in significant and specific ways. although i know that the road won't be smooth, i simply can't ignore it.

if i should be sorry for anyone, i am very sorry.

three days with nina was not as surprising as i thought, but it still amazed me. i always hear about the life of wealthy people, but never had i a chance to be in one- through the life of one of my best friends. sometimes i thought it is ridiculous that nina regards me as one of her very valued friends. i used to think that other people can always have someone else that is better for them. i sincerely don't have anything to offer to anyone else; i just hope that i can be there when they need me, and i'll help in any way that i can insyaAllah.

through nina i learned how rich, genius and positive a person can be, but even with all that she has, she cannot live alone. i think that's a very beautiful example; sorta like telling me that it's okay to be imperfect and it's alright to depend on other people and ask for help when you need one. nina told me 'seorang ustaz bagitau nina, bila orang nak tolong biarkan dia tolong. kita jangan sekat dia buat baik, jangan taknak orang tolong sampai makan diri sendiri' when i helped her to the bathroom with her cane.

i loved her place very much when i found out that there's a swimming pool at the middle of the apartments. we spent about an hour in the morning and almost three hours in the evening swimming. i have always loved to swim, it made me think that perhaps i should add 'swimming pool' as a must-have item when i eventually own my house one day. well, of course if it's not too expensive. a cheaper alternative would be a house built near to a swimming pool accommodation. other stuffs that i have added to my must-have items are an oven, a laptop, and not so spacious and bright living room. perhaps i'll learn to sew too, so that i can make my own curtains and cushion covers just like makcik ros. i want a house that's always clean, pleasing, tranquil and homey. but i do like periodic changes and varieties; when i was small and had my own room i changed the positions of my bed and tables every two to three weeks.

on the second day, we ate at a restaurant named 'delicious', located at the first floor of one utama, which served the best food i have ever eaten in my whole life. for a not so wealthy person like me, i am completely sober to say that i'm not exaggerating. the food was so superb that i kept on smiling while eating, feeling so happy. i hope one day i can bring mama and adik2 there, and perhaps one day he and i can have a date there. maybe we can make it a once-in-a-year event. nina said it should be a once-in-a-month occasion. i smiled and shook my head. 'tgk lah kalau ade rezeki,' i said.

being with nina have always made me think about being rich. will i be able to be rich? what does it mean to be rich? will i be able to handle being rich?

'kalau kite fikir yang kita nak jadi kaya, set brapa banyak kita nak, contohnya 'aku nak sejuta' ke, tak kira lah berapa pun yang kita nak, takkan cukup. tapi fikir je macam ni, kita doa ya Allah, biarlah bila kita nak duit tu, dia ada dan cukup. tak kisah lah kalau kadang2 dalam poket kita tinggal 10 sen 20 sen, tapi takpe sebab time tu kita tak perlukan duit. yang penting bila kita nak beli ape2, nak bayar ape2, duit tu ade.' that's what nina told me.

'tapi cam mane dengan perancangan masa panjang? orang cakap, kita kena rancang untuk family nanti, untuk masa depan, kena saving, kan? jadi papepun, kene sentiasa ade duit jgak..' i prompted the question to her.

'yup..btul tu..jadi kita kene bezakan, mana yang kita perlu, mana tak perlu. mana yang kta nak, mana yang kita taknak. mana yang kita boleh dapat, mana tak boleh.' nina bounced back.

i guess being rich doesn't mean that we can have everything. that's a relief, because i will be terrified if i can have everything. it would be a world of complete mess and unsettling thoughts. but now that i realized that just as other advantages in the world, richness is a blessing to control.

and when i felt relieved after reaching home, it also made me realize that we can still be happy without being rich. but for me, Allah exposed me to being rich, to being well educated, to have this certain circle of friends, to have this certain kind of orphanhood and challenges throughout my adolescence days for a reason. somehow it gives me a purpose to live, different perspectives and open options as to how i should live my life.

and i hope through these knowledge i can slowly fill up the holes in my life, to innovate our lives and to correct my mistakes for myself and my family. i hope i can, we all can have a better ending for the stories of our lives.


p/s: this post is kinda long, i know ;p

Monday, 1 March 2010

a new home

yesterday was a pick-a-page day. ahnaf chose the page from the Oxford Advanced Learner's dictionary.

"page 61: assiduous: working hard and showing careful attention to detail"

and yesterday was a family day as well. we went to the new opened tesco at rawang, ate some nice foods and strolled along shops. bought some stuffs but we didn't spend too much time there. for me, it was short and sweet.

alhamdulillah, so very glad that i got all my things back from Melbourne. thank you so much Najwa for your hospitality in keeping my box for me. man, it was heavy. but all my stuffs were in there; most importantly my favourite jeans and japanese textbooks. now i can soak myself into japanese words again; though sensei, it will never be the same without you =(

that's okay, i'll find a way. like how i opened my mouth to speak my intention to ipoh to celebrate his birthday. it was wonderful and splendid. thank you for letting me go, ma. i really appreciate it..

so far, things have been complicated. i guess they have always been that way, the only question is to how best i can manage. i admittedly realize that i'm not very strong- all i do is just keep walking. sometimes i feel that i cannot see the future anymore; life is always unpredictable. but something urges me to take a few small steps ahead, one step at a time.

and see how things go then. besides, most things are not absolute, as we all know. for example, the internet connectivity in Desa Melur is almost 70% less efficient than it was in Taman Melati. we are thinking about changing to streamyx, especially with me working, mama more widely socializing and my siblings keep growing. it is an upgrade of the family. another change is, i don't have to think too much about my youngest brothers anymore- they are no longer kids. so i should spend more time for myself, and worry less. or, i should worry more about myself. uwm, that sounds worrying.

last but not least, i love Sherlock Holmes the movie. it simply inspires, put me in awe. i wonder about becoming one. hmm.