temporary

there's this smell in the air when they are happy. the colour around us tinges when they laugh, i felt i could sketch them into pictures hung permanently on my mind. the time while waiting for our lunch and we played true or dare and mama also joined, and we had to skip the question of "who you hate the most in the house" when it was her turn. we made fun of each other and mama was coolest about it. and their faces when we sat real close to the cinema screen and we were eating popcorns and we laughed when Max punched Charlie after he succeeded bringing Atom on his own and spent the rest of the previous night trying to dig it out.

and after that we stopped by tutti frutti and made our own ice cream cup with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla flavors sprinkled with nuts, colorful ring cereals, M&Ms, chocolate rice, choc chips and marshmallows. we went back and everyone was smiling and we brought special food for afiq and awin at home. everything was perfect that day. i sat at the back seat on our way home and thought, 'man. i wish we had a bigger car so afiq and awin could join.'

everyone deserved it, the trip to OU. that's what i thought. ahnaf and rais were urging me to bring them earlier this month, and i said we had to postpone because they were still doing the final exams at that time. and when they had finished, we had to postpone it again to the next day because afiq had to use the car to uni. and mama said, 'i also want to watch movie.' which made me quite surprised; i never knew mama would wanted to join.

and it was worth it. i was glad that everyone was happy. later that night we even watched a movie again together at home and we stayed late. He knows how happy they were, how happy i was to see that.

i will reminisce this day, often. it was real nice to see everyone was genuinely happy, even abang and adik.

because everyday is not the same, i never know whether that day will repeat itself.

and i dont know for how long will my presence in my loved ones' lives be relevant, or needed, or longed for.

but for the times that i still have, i'll do whatever i can. just to make you happy. just to make sure you're okay. and You, You know my prayers, i'm sure you do, because they are what i keep on repeating each day. the ones i cried for so You may accept.

with all my humbleness, please accept. please.

im having the fever again. and im experiencing the same thing again. so please remind me, on why i am doing this. please remind me, to wait just a little bit more. please remind me, that it wont be long.

it wont be long, right?

p.s.

remember the story of the Prophet when he saw an orphan girl with torn clothes crying when she saw other kids with new beautiful clothes on hajj celebration day? she went to the kid and asked her why but she kept on crying without even looked up. she said that her dad died in a war with the Prophet and her mom had remarried with a man who deserted her. the Prophet's face changed and he pat the girl's head and brought her home with all the good things he and his wife, Aisyah could give.

just be like him.

thank you and sorry for everything, everyone.

white, light and beautiful as snow~

it is a quiet friday.

i woke up from bed at 8am and still managed to slowly sip a drink while sitting at the living room before i went to take my bath.

but i did left the last night's comforter and two small pillows unscathed on the floor. and the mug after the drink, too. i'll deal with them later then i guess.

the clouds were very beautiful this morning. they were fluffy like cottons and they were arranged beautifully, as if someone stretched and lay them to settle and floated on the sky. rays of lights were trying to penetrate through the holes between the cotton clouds and the dark blue morning sky mixed harmonically with light, creating contours of color tones changing from white to dark blue. it reminded me of the clouds in australia on an autumn day, they just make you numb in awe, and somehow, tranquility.

i never knew i would cry that hard last night. i never knew he'd cried with me. i was presumptuous that i could hold back my tears and appear as if i didnt care, as if i was strong.

as if i was okay. although both of us were damn sure i wasnt.

and when he told me how he felt, what he wanted, which is actually what we both wanted, and how so darn hard it is for us to achieve, i didnt know why - i just started to bawl so hard i couldnt even utter a word.

and he kept calling my name, and after a while, all i could say was 'i love you'. because it is all that matters.

it is all that really matters.

and after he explained everything, all that's left for us is to be strong to be together. that we must fight, and be patient. that we must be happy, and be understanding.

and he made me laughed again, very shortly after that, with his words about me having a red nose like a clown. and a reminder again, of how he was sorry and how much he loves me.

i did the same.

when i was in the lrt this morning, i feel that there's silence inside me.

the silence that smiles, calmly, strongly.

it was the sixth sense

i was sleeping when i heard the noise.

they were waking up, and they put on a thriller movie.

i hate thriller movies; my imagination can be worse than them.

so i woke up and moved into the room. but i still could hear the sounds, and i couldnt sleep. and it was 2am in the morning. and i had to go to work the next day.

i was swearing in my heart i almost banged the walls and door with anger.

then i noticed that adik was sleeping on the floor. i thought she must have felt the same with me, with all the fear and sounds and sleep interruptions, just minus the go-to-work-the-next-morning-but-havent-slept-at-2am thingy.

i touched her gently. it was dark, and she didnt move at all. i suddenly was chilled by thoughts of what worst things that could happen. she was still.

i shook her even more. i stroke her fur and lifted her paws.

she finally moved her hands away a little bit. she was okay, and i felt truly relieved.


perhaps disturbance during your sleep meant something very important - if you can feel it, that means you are still alive.

secret recipe's

it was a deliberating session with danni.

he had a good point, malay people especially in this company are always judgemental and pointlessly jealous of other people's success, whether they deserve it or not.

i admittedly was really curious as of how a friend of ours who have worked only about 2 years in the company can get the highest performance rating, beating all the seniors before him.

for the record, it really is something - it makes you think, assume and judge.

but we figured out that, at the end, it doesnt even matter. it's Allah's decision to give, we don't need to dispute if it is really decided.

if our friend really achieved it, though the award is handsome, the price is also high- he has to justify other people's judgements, surpass everyone's expectations, and he literally cannot fail. i mean, unless he was definitely eyeing and working into it and be prepared for all the consequences it'll bring, it will be something not only built can endure.

if it happens to me (i mean, wow, that's great, i just got paid about 6x more than other people i can get married and go to honeymoon instantly), but i still dont have any idea what will happen after that.

and yeah, if i really want to get awards like that (who doesnt, right?) i should shut my mouth and work as hell hard.

i'm relieved to know that i am still me in my head and heart and not to try to repeat someone else pointlessly, then.

-the seeker is who the seeker seeks for-

i dreamed of them last night

i am becoming tireder and tireder day by day.

i dont know how long i can last- to stay positive.

feels like the burden is becoming heavier and heavier, and all i have been doing is focusing on keeping myself together, and wait a lil bit more. breaking into tears and having to suppress feelings have become normal.

at first, it was like waiting for my cue to come, but slowly the cue seems to vanish, everything becomes blurred and sometimes i cannot see anything anymore, even seeing where i am putting my feet on. i have been trying to tell myself that everything will be okay, but then i started to wonder will i be included in the 'ok list'. if all my dreams collapse, will there be anyone who'll be there for me?

which made me finally think, that's alright.

as long as everyone else is okay, it will already be good for me.

i may not be able to achieve all my dreams, i may spend my life trying to repay for all my sins, but if it makes everything okay, it should do.

i always remind myself to be thankful for everything i already have. i might lose it in the future, but at least i have had those beautiful times to remember. if all these pain is worth all my sins and enable everyone to be happy, i will be glad to endure them.

just a lil bit more, because i know that it wont be too long.