Friday 18 November 2011

white, light and beautiful as snow~

it is a quiet friday.

i woke up from bed at 8am and still managed to slowly sip a drink while sitting at the living room before i went to take my bath.

but i did left the last night's comforter and two small pillows unscathed on the floor. and the mug after the drink, too. i'll deal with them later then i guess.

the clouds were very beautiful this morning. they were fluffy like cottons and they were arranged beautifully, as if someone stretched and lay them to settle and floated on the sky. rays of lights were trying to penetrate through the holes between the cotton clouds and the dark blue morning sky mixed harmonically with light, creating contours of color tones changing from white to dark blue. it reminded me of the clouds in australia on an autumn day, they just make you numb in awe, and somehow, tranquility.

i never knew i would cry that hard last night. i never knew he'd cried with me. i was presumptuous that i could hold back my tears and appear as if i didnt care, as if i was strong.

as if i was okay. although both of us were damn sure i wasnt.

and when he told me how he felt, what he wanted, which is actually what we both wanted, and how so darn hard it is for us to achieve, i didnt know why - i just started to bawl so hard i couldnt even utter a word.

and he kept calling my name, and after a while, all i could say was 'i love you'. because it is all that matters.

it is all that really matters.

and after he explained everything, all that's left for us is to be strong to be together. that we must fight, and be patient. that we must be happy, and be understanding.

and he made me laughed again, very shortly after that, with his words about me having a red nose like a clown. and a reminder again, of how he was sorry and how much he loves me.

i did the same.

when i was in the lrt this morning, i feel that there's silence inside me.

the silence that smiles, calmly, strongly.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I really like reading your blog especially those that you wrote while you are in Aussie. To me, you are inspiring. But somehow lately I noticed that your writing are too focus on your bf. He's not everything, dear.

aqilahamirjamalullail said...

i never said he is :)

Anonymous said...

konon-kononnya tudung pendek baju seluar ketat boleh gantikan baju kurung dan free hair. aduh. ganggu konsentrasi betul. syukur diorang dah berlalu, kalau tak naya adik tak boleh stadi. nampaknya bagi diorang Tuhan di malaysia dengan Tuhan di australia ni tak sama agaknya (ataupun memang bagi mereka Tuhan tak kisah sepertinya aiman). masa usha friendster semalam pun sama. budak-budak exsemestian, junior-junior adik. wah wah wah keluar sekolah nampaknya semua orang dah maju bab-bab macam ni. tangkap gambar berdua-duaan, free hair, mesej yang jiwang-jiwang. baru keluar sekolah dah nak kawen! nak tergelak betullah. haih. risaukan diri sendiri dan adik-adik kat rumah. (amirukiah.blogspot May 2007).

Irony?

aqilahamirjamalullail said...

dear anonymous,

i have been thinking about what you commented on my post.

well, you read some things i wrote on my blog. perhaps you know me at some length. and because of that you thought you know precisely who i am and can judge on what i should write, think and behave.

in case you dont know, i never intended to write this blog on the purpose to inspire, educate or give anyone any idea on what is right or wrong. it is a record of my personal expressions, feelings, knowledge and experiences. whether it is valid or invalid in your eyes, it doesnt matter to me.

to be honest, i dont know what you wanted to imply from your comments. but the way i see it, you are trying to use my words against me and see whether i would succumb to you trying to make me feel bad about myself and agree with your judgement/sentiment that perhaps i have changed for worse. at least that's what i thought.

dearie, you may know a lot of things (which i admit i dont), but you dont know who i really am, what i really feel, and what i have been experiencing through, let alone to understand them every bit.

for me, even with my most loved ones that i face everything with, i never assume that i know them by simply some stuffs they wrote or some times shared together. are you?

Anonymous said...

emmm I didn't mean to find your fault and offend you. I'm sorry if you feel that way. It's only a reminder for me, you and all of us. We people tend to forget and I believe you are pretty good in Quran verses about people who didn't do as they said. I did this because I love you. Take care.

akira said...

dear anon,

i appreciate that. thank you and take care too.

wslm.