akon- be with you

last week was quite a busy yet fulfilling one. nina broke three bones at work; i suddenly found myself in the train to kl sentral heading to her apartment at damansara about two hours after she called, still thinking about how i could be so drastic and committed about going. i have few friends; i don't socialize much and seldom travel far alone for a friend; even though i know that she needed help, i couldn't see anything that i can do for her.

but i guess it was because mama was so worried that the first thing in her mind was that nina needed help and someone had to be there, fast. at first i didn't mind going because i thought mama would accompany me as usual, but then she said she couldn't come because my brothers were having exams and she had to be home, and so i had to go alone. i have never been to nina's place before; i had to find my way there by myself. that made me realize how- because i have already accustomed to mama accompanying me everywhere when i am at home- that i had took her existence for granted. deep inside i have always dreamed to be like other girls my age who go places with their friends, driving cars to work and don't really stick at home. unlike me who sits at home, cooking, watching over my brothers, reading and watching movies. it sets such a juxtaposition to my education level; i am forced to think that "i'm supposed to do this and that, instead of being stuck at home".

frankly speaking, i don't really care. sometimes i feel that all i want to do is to be married to him, live happily as an obedient housewife and a good mother at home. but i know that's impossible; there would always be something inside me, something i am born with, something i'm destined to do, a bigger contribution for the whole world, a heavier responsibility, that will continuously starves for my attention. i need very supportive mother, husband and family that can understand my hunger in educating myself and the community, helping other people in significant and specific ways. although i know that the road won't be smooth, i simply can't ignore it.

if i should be sorry for anyone, i am very sorry.

three days with nina was not as surprising as i thought, but it still amazed me. i always hear about the life of wealthy people, but never had i a chance to be in one- through the life of one of my best friends. sometimes i thought it is ridiculous that nina regards me as one of her very valued friends. i used to think that other people can always have someone else that is better for them. i sincerely don't have anything to offer to anyone else; i just hope that i can be there when they need me, and i'll help in any way that i can insyaAllah.

through nina i learned how rich, genius and positive a person can be, but even with all that she has, she cannot live alone. i think that's a very beautiful example; sorta like telling me that it's okay to be imperfect and it's alright to depend on other people and ask for help when you need one. nina told me 'seorang ustaz bagitau nina, bila orang nak tolong biarkan dia tolong. kita jangan sekat dia buat baik, jangan taknak orang tolong sampai makan diri sendiri' when i helped her to the bathroom with her cane.

i loved her place very much when i found out that there's a swimming pool at the middle of the apartments. we spent about an hour in the morning and almost three hours in the evening swimming. i have always loved to swim, it made me think that perhaps i should add 'swimming pool' as a must-have item when i eventually own my house one day. well, of course if it's not too expensive. a cheaper alternative would be a house built near to a swimming pool accommodation. other stuffs that i have added to my must-have items are an oven, a laptop, and not so spacious and bright living room. perhaps i'll learn to sew too, so that i can make my own curtains and cushion covers just like makcik ros. i want a house that's always clean, pleasing, tranquil and homey. but i do like periodic changes and varieties; when i was small and had my own room i changed the positions of my bed and tables every two to three weeks.

on the second day, we ate at a restaurant named 'delicious', located at the first floor of one utama, which served the best food i have ever eaten in my whole life. for a not so wealthy person like me, i am completely sober to say that i'm not exaggerating. the food was so superb that i kept on smiling while eating, feeling so happy. i hope one day i can bring mama and adik2 there, and perhaps one day he and i can have a date there. maybe we can make it a once-in-a-year event. nina said it should be a once-in-a-month occasion. i smiled and shook my head. 'tgk lah kalau ade rezeki,' i said.

being with nina have always made me think about being rich. will i be able to be rich? what does it mean to be rich? will i be able to handle being rich?

'kalau kite fikir yang kita nak jadi kaya, set brapa banyak kita nak, contohnya 'aku nak sejuta' ke, tak kira lah berapa pun yang kita nak, takkan cukup. tapi fikir je macam ni, kita doa ya Allah, biarlah bila kita nak duit tu, dia ada dan cukup. tak kisah lah kalau kadang2 dalam poket kita tinggal 10 sen 20 sen, tapi takpe sebab time tu kita tak perlukan duit. yang penting bila kita nak beli ape2, nak bayar ape2, duit tu ade.' that's what nina told me.

'tapi cam mane dengan perancangan masa panjang? orang cakap, kita kena rancang untuk family nanti, untuk masa depan, kena saving, kan? jadi papepun, kene sentiasa ade duit jgak..' i prompted the question to her.

'yup..btul tu..jadi kita kene bezakan, mana yang kita perlu, mana tak perlu. mana yang kta nak, mana yang kita taknak. mana yang kita boleh dapat, mana tak boleh.' nina bounced back.

i guess being rich doesn't mean that we can have everything. that's a relief, because i will be terrified if i can have everything. it would be a world of complete mess and unsettling thoughts. but now that i realized that just as other advantages in the world, richness is a blessing to control.

and when i felt relieved after reaching home, it also made me realize that we can still be happy without being rich. but for me, Allah exposed me to being rich, to being well educated, to have this certain circle of friends, to have this certain kind of orphanhood and challenges throughout my adolescence days for a reason. somehow it gives me a purpose to live, different perspectives and open options as to how i should live my life.

and i hope through these knowledge i can slowly fill up the holes in my life, to innovate our lives and to correct my mistakes for myself and my family. i hope i can, we all can have a better ending for the stories of our lives.

ameen...

p/s: this post is kinda long, i know ;p