Monday, 17 April 2017

I knew for sure when his face turned blue.

Parenting is not a skill you apply from picking 50 ways to enjoy motherhood, or tips to get your children listen to you.
It is a lifestyle that is built from solid groundwork made from pieces of puzzles that are essentially integral with each other; neither one can exist without the other. It is made from parts of reasons, understanding of your genetic make-up and historical backgrounds. Perhaps some parenting aspects dominate in certain cultures but to assume that they apply to everyone is misleading, and dangerous. And I have witnessed it today.
If you are active in parenting;
If the child looks to you when he tell stories;
If the child looks for you when he is upset;
If he is affected by your mood,
You are the most trusted person to your child. Yes, you are overwhelmed, inexperienced, incompetent and lacking - but guess what, everyone is when it comes to parenting. No one is born a parent. It may be good to get advices from more experienced people when things get rough, but you have to trust yourself more when deciding whether your course of parenting actions will include applying those advices. Every advice, no matter how good, needs to go through filters set by you.
And the filters can only be as good as your intentionality when it comes to parenting. 
Mine is still undergoing construction and the road remains long. Sometimes it feels as if I am treading a new path yet the sole of my shoes have started to exhaust.
I am moving forward though, nevertheless. It is the least that I could do besides being being positive.

Monday, 3 November 2014

My 4 years-old laptop is up and running again.

Somehow my heart beats are slowing down. Yawarakana Jikan really helps to soothe me I guess. It feels like my husband's hugs. One thing that can make me finally let off a long breath of relief.

I vomited this morning perhaps of trying to rush to work too much. And I almost couldn't sleep last night due to thinking about how afraid I was to reply to an SMS, if not for my husband saying that he's not going anywhere so I should sleep on the bed where I can comfortably lie and not having backache which is becoming more and more unbearable due to my pregnancy, while he sleeps on comforters I laid for him on the floor. This is the third week, if I'm not mistaken, that we have to sleep separately because he wouldn't be able to sleep without being awaken by my sudden moves and twirls; the baby is getting heavier, I would wake up every 2 - 3 hours to pee and I become more and more tired with time. My mom-in-law always remind my husband and her children every time she hears about my discomfort and pain, quoting 'wahnan 'ala wahnin' (weakness over weakness). I guess she really understands, and I am very thankful.

There are 2 days left before my technical assessment, and I am struggling to study. I cannot even sit straight for more than 1 hour, and I am always tired. But I think so far I have done quite a lot, and I know Allah has prepared the next best thing for me, insyaAllah. This year's assessment is quite important since it would determine my next year's salary. Allahu yusahhil, rabbi yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bil khair. Ameen.

Reflecting how difficult it has been (not with the pregnancy, but with everything else that is happening whilst I am pregnant, which have not resolved even until now, that I can only recluse them to Allah, because I have become very very tired to deal with it and getting worse answers every time) I have been trying to eat decently to support Irfan but I don't know if I have succeeded. During last visit his weight started to drop a lil bit from the expected weight although doctor said he is okay, and since that visit 3 weeks ago I haven't gained any weight I'm starting to worry because my weight should have escalated in the last parts of this trimester. I hope he's doing fine and his weight will be back on track this Thursday during the next check-up. Since I'm not gaining any weight, I don't mind losing some if it means Irfan is gaining more. He should weigh about 2.7kg by the end of this week. Ameen.

And due to preparing for Irfan's coming, a lot has been spent and we are now in quite a tight budget, and even when we both know I should cook to save some money my husband never let me do that since he knows I'm not fit for it. Sometimes we take away cooked fish and vegetables and he cooks the rice and prepare the fruits for us to eat. Sometimes I see him wandering off at the back of the iPad, his hands moving fast playing his favourite game but his mind is elsewhere. I know he's worried about how we're going to survive for these coming few months while waiting for Irfan to come and the expenses that are of course expected to increase and how we are going to pay for them. But when he catches me at the eyes he just smiled and teases me more. He even joked that we should spend the next weekend at a hotel somewhere since we haven't had the chance for any vacation this year.

Ya Allah, please give us strength. We wouldn't know how to get past all these if not for Your help and intervention, and You knows best. That's why we can still smile - we know You know. And You never forsakes Your slaves.


Friday, 31 October 2014

Preparing for our lil one :)

As a first time mom, I was previously perplexed of what to buy and where to start in terms of baby stuffs. Also because we are both young parents who don’t have the luxury of a big budget for a baby, but we want to make ado nevertheless. So after researching online, asking friends/family and reading some books, here are a simplified list of what I thought are important, and I hope these would benefit all becoming mothers out there, wherever you are :)

Pregnancy supplements - Starting off:
1. Extra Virgin Olive Oil: I bought mine from an agent of as recommended by my aunt
2. Enriched goat milk: I’m taking Nutri Goat Miracle 8, which contains 8 foods from the Sunnah
3. Pramilet
4. Caltrate
5. NeuroGain PB
6. Maternity pillow: to help ease your sleep
7. Reading certain surahs from the Koran: Maryam & Luqman for Monday, at-Taubah for Tuesday and Wednesday, Yusuf, Fatihah, Al-Ikhlas, Al-Falaq and An-Nas for Thursday, and Yaasin, Hujurat & An-Nahl for Friday. There are also certain ayahs that are good to be recited during pregnancy and labour, just google them :)

Baby bath stuffs:

1. Baby body wash: I use Indulge by Neways for both body wash and shampoo, as per recommended by my mom-in-law
2. Baby shampoo
3. Bath tub
4. Bath supporter: I’m not really confident to hold my baby during bath since he would be sooo delicate and fragile *scared*
5. Towel: about 3 pcs
6. Toys (optional)

Baby hygiene:

1. Diapers: I plan to use Pet Pet for day use and Mamy Poko for night/travel use (Mamy Poko is more expensive) and I bought S size as per recommended by my sis-in-law; she said baby grows too fast, and Newborn size would be outworn too soon
2. Changing mat
3. Rash spray: I use Eliminator by Neways, also recommended by mom-in-law
4. Wet wipes: Travel pack is enough and less pricey too
5. Baby body and hair oil
6. Baby cream
7. Manicure set

Baby clothes:

1. Day wear: Sleeveless/short sleeves with short pants, rompers. Make sure you have at least 10 sets, but only buy max of 3 sets of Newborn size. The rest should be of bigger sizes (3-6m, 6-9m, 9-12m) since yeah, baby outgrows them fast :)
2. Night wear: Long sleeve with long pants/leggings, jumpsuits, sleepsuits. Quantity and sizes should be the same with Day Wear
3. Caps, mittens and boots: We bought only 3 sets. Some people give these are presents (the same with Day and Night Wears), and my friend said her son only wore mittens for 2 months since he wasn’t comfortable with them. It would depend on your baby so you don’t have to buy a lot.
4. Barut/Dressing: My sisters said I would need A LOT, so I bought A LOT. But my friends said their babies don’t even wear these after 3 months, so I guess it depends on your baby again. Just make sure you have at least 5 pcs, just in case :)
5. Blanket: I bought 1 hooded blanket, and 4 ordinary blankets. 5 should do I guess, since your baby might leak his/her wee-wee and the blanket would get dirty and needs to be changed
6. Washclothes: I bought a set of 8 for just RM10 so I guess that would be more than enough

Baby travel & sleeping time:

1. Travel bag: I bought a set of a small and big travel bag, the small one is for a day trip, and the bigger one is for a weekend/longer trips :)
2. Travel changing mat: It came with the bag
3. Comforter set: A comforter, one head pillow, and two lil bolsters
4. Baby cot

Baby feeding:

1. Nursing bras: If you plan to breastfeed
2. Breast pads: 4 sets for a start is good enough :)
3. Nipple cream: If you plan to breastfeed, this is very important!
4. Breastfeed-friendly clothes
5. Breastpump: I am saving up for a Medela Free Style :)
6. Feeding bottle: I bought Como Tomo brand since it mimics mom’s breast and is made of silicone which is safer and longer lasting (I hope)
7. Storage bags/bottles and cooler packs

Confinement - Don’t forget yourself! :)

1. Maternity pad
2. Disposable panties
3. Bengkung/Dressing
4. Confinement set (outer): Feminine wash, massaging oil, bathing herbs, bath scrub, slimming lotion, relaxing oil, and a warm pad
5. Confinement set (inner/supplement): I plan to use Shaklee products, since I have been using them since before I got married. For confinement set, you would need ESP, Vitalea, Zinc Complex, Ostematrix, B-Complex, and Vita-C Plus
6. Thick socks
7. Massages and “Bertungku” session: At least for the first 3 and last 3 days of your 2-months confinement

I hope these help. I am 35 weeks pregnant and I can’t wait to meet our baby. InsyaAllah ameeen :)

Monday, 27 October 2014

Happy Birthday, abah. I miss you.

I could say that it was a weekend of accidents.

We went back to my in-law's house for hubby's cousin's wedding ceremony on Friday's night and was caught in a 10km-long traffic jam, due to an ice lorry from the opposite side of the road skidded off and crushed two cars on our lane. By the time we arrived at the accident spot the road was already cleared. May Allah have mercy on those souls. The usual 2.5 hours trip became almost 4 hours.

On our way back, there was an accident involving 5 cars. I didn't dare to peek outside the window to see how bad it was but hubby said there was only one car left on the emergency lane; the rest have all been cleared. The back of the car was totally smashed, windows crashed into pieces, stuffs from the back seat was crushed and pushed into the car, I could see a pink pillow amidst the chaos of broken things, still embedded at the back dashboard. I forced myself not to look too closely since I didn't want to see any blood (if there was any). 

I always remember how mama always say abah doesn't want us to see any view of accidents in case we happen to be nearby, but even then abah didn't mind to share some gruesome photos that was pinned on the whiteboard in his office - pictures of crime evidences - of chopped hands, blood stains on the floor, white powder scattered around the crime scene, while he was in the Narcotic Department. At that time I didn't mind. I was proud to be a policeman's daughter, and I aimed to look like one - fearless, indifferent, cool. I managed to pull off the character until high school. Because after that, I fell in love. But perhaps some of them still remain, the coolness, the indifference towards certain things in life, but I guess I have become more attentive, interested and expressive than ever. Thanks to a husband who is always showy of his love to his family, and me.

It was pouring heavier than ever after we passed by the accident area. Hubby haven't changed the broken wipers so we had to drive slow. At certain points all cars were driving slower even on the right lane. People started to flash on hazard lights, including my husband, and when I asked why he said it is to help the motorists see clearer. He said "Poor those motorists" every time a motorcycle passed by. I could relate, it must be aching and cold and scared at the same time. Thank Allah no one on motorcycle was a child. If not, it would be most terrible to see.

Looking at the scene in front of us, I suddenly blurted out, "If Malaysia has four seasons, road riders would be more responsible." Hubby's eyes were still on the road but he asked why.

"Which one do you pity more - people who are hot or people who are cold?"

"Cold ones."

"Exactly. Imagine 4 months of winter season with this kind of heavy downpour on the road. And also the thick ice. We here have air conds in our car, they have heaters to warm them up since most of the time, it is cold."

"Aman's car has heater inside."

"Yeah, like the one in Aman's car (it is an imported model). I have always liked the idea they show us in the movies, when someone gets stranded out with no where to go, suddenly knocked on a door and a kind lady opened it, seeing a freezing person outside, rushing them to come into the house, putting onto them a blanket and offered them hot chocolate to warm them up. Before I went to Australia, I never really understood how cold it could be. Being cold can be very miserable and pitiful."

"And seeing how the cars have became really concerned towards motorcyclists here, giving away hazard lights to guide them during this bad weather, having pity thoughts and suddenly became more concerned of other people's safety - don't that earn us some merits, albeit the rain? It's like, we are all one - humans - against a bigger force - the weather - and we all unite to keep each others safe."

Suddenly I thought about my own thinking, this is legend.

My husband has long been lost inside his own thoughts, but he listens nevertheless. I myself didn't notice when I actually stopped talking and became drowned in my own thoughts as well. The rain was really powerful it did that. 

Even now all I could clearly remember from last night was the very heavy rain, and how the roads and cars and motorcycles looked when they all slowed down. And amidst that I could visualize Australia again, during the cold nights of Melbourne. The sound of the heater and the still nights when I walked pass the dryer machines room. They were so still that they were restless at the same time.

Irfan is kicking harder now, and my throat is feeling more and more burned due to perhaps haven't eaten my lunch. 

I try to postpone thinking about my family every time I am trying to eat, since I can lose my appetite so easily. It is not an easy thing to deal with when after all these years, you can't even express yourself, and when you did, everyone misunderstands you, and while you are pregnant with your first child and you are barely managing.

I always try to write what I feel but now I have became so tired of what has becoming of recent events, but I will try again some time later.

And the rest, I leave them all to You, ya Allah.

Monday, 15 September 2014

jangan lupa namaku - II

remember when mama wrote to you last year, irfan? guess what, insyaAllah you will meet abah and mama in about 2 months time (yeay!)

at seven months i never knew i could vomit like i did when i was still having my morning sickness. and for some reason i thought i needed to hear some music and alas, i picked the same song all over again, the one i have always loved to hear since the first time he asked me to listen to it.

once, when we were listening to this song together, i was sitting on the floor while he sat on a chair, and he gently pulls my head to rest onto his lap. he then caressed me slowly, and he asked me to always remember the lyrics.

and i did. i love to sing along to this song but there were times when i just listen to it, without making a sound, like really listen. and what i hear is his voice, his words. 

abah loves mama so much, irfan.

and after all the years that mama have waited for abah to finish his degree, seeing abah only on weekends and holidays, bearing the pain of separation, while carrying you sometimes mama feel so alone and abah said 'irfan kan ada teman anje :)' and then you kicked inside mama, which is one of the best feelings in the world. and mama can put the smiley after the words right there because mama knows abah always smiled when he said those words.

but now alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, abah has successfully finished his degree and is staying with us, irfan. a new episode begins.

we can't wait to start preparing for your arrival, and lets together pray for our family's happiness, longevity and blessings from Allah, shall we? mama loves irfan and abah irfan so, so much only Allah knows :)

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Thursday, 17 October 2013


I got to spend some time with my laptop these few nights.

All I can say is,
you need to take some time off for yourself once in a while.
you need to create space with your beloved half, family and work that have encapsulated you.
you need to

I used to sleep late.
I used to have teary eyes, with or without reason.
I used to listen to yawarakana jikan to sleep.
I used to befriend strangers.
And these strangers, whom some I have never met, have changed my life forever.
I used to just look from afar.
I used to be detached from others, and learnt to enjoy things as they are, with no expectations.
I had a lot of dreams. And nightmares too.
I used to keep my lips tight when I actually have amount of stories to tell,
And be contented simply by praying hard.
I used to be able to workout everyday,
dieting on Pepsi Max, Lays & Shin Ramen.
I used to feel very empty, but always accompanied.
I used to want less,
But I did a lot by myself.
I used to have a lot of me-time, and-
I used to be close to You more than anything.

And after years of living with other people,
working like I'm in sure hell,
and almost losing myself,

I miss me too bad.
Too bad that I almost cried when I realized how far I have been displaced from myself,
from being me.
I then knew that no matter how good my life has developed whilst surrounded by very awesome people,
no matter how important a career woman I have become,

I still miss me.
To be drawn deep into a heart of longing for reminiscence, ponders and wonders.
To be lost in the yellowy of summer, grinning,
or to struggle with clenching teeth, almost hating winter.
To snap endless photos of spring, imagining how it would be like to be able to capture the songs of the flowers too.
Or to walk alone after a stressful test in fall, relieved, squeezing the dead leaves and watching them blown onto the side of the road.