Monday, 3 November 2014

My 4 years-old laptop is up and running again.

Somehow my heart beats are slowing down. Yawarakana Jikan really helps to soothe me I guess. It feels like my husband's hugs. One thing that can make me finally let off a long breath of relief.

I vomited this morning perhaps of trying to rush to work too much. And I almost couldn't sleep last night due to thinking about how afraid I was to reply to an SMS, if not for my husband saying that he's not going anywhere so I should sleep on the bed where I can comfortably lie and not having backache which is becoming more and more unbearable due to my pregnancy, while he sleeps on comforters I laid for him on the floor. This is the third week, if I'm not mistaken, that we have to sleep separately because he wouldn't be able to sleep without being awaken by my sudden moves and twirls; the baby is getting heavier, I would wake up every 2 - 3 hours to pee and I become more and more tired with time. My mom-in-law always remind my husband and her children every time she hears about my discomfort and pain, quoting 'wahnan 'ala wahnin' (weakness over weakness). I guess she really understands, and I am very thankful.

There are 2 days left before my technical assessment, and I am struggling to study. I cannot even sit straight for more than 1 hour, and I am always tired. But I think so far I have done quite a lot, and I know Allah has prepared the next best thing for me, insyaAllah. This year's assessment is quite important since it would determine my next year's salary. Allahu yusahhil, rabbi yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bil khair. Ameen.

Reflecting how difficult it has been (not with the pregnancy, but with everything else that is happening whilst I am pregnant, which have not resolved even until now, that I can only recluse them to Allah, because I have become very very tired to deal with it and getting worse answers every time) I have been trying to eat decently to support Irfan but I don't know if I have succeeded. During last visit his weight started to drop a lil bit from the expected weight although doctor said he is okay, and since that visit 3 weeks ago I haven't gained any weight I'm starting to worry because my weight should have escalated in the last parts of this trimester. I hope he's doing fine and his weight will be back on track this Thursday during the next check-up. Since I'm not gaining any weight, I don't mind losing some if it means Irfan is gaining more. He should weigh about 2.7kg by the end of this week. Ameen.

And due to preparing for Irfan's coming, a lot has been spent and we are now in quite a tight budget, and even when we both know I should cook to save some money my husband never let me do that since he knows I'm not fit for it. Sometimes we take away cooked fish and vegetables and he cooks the rice and prepare the fruits for us to eat. Sometimes I see him wandering off at the back of the iPad, his hands moving fast playing his favourite game but his mind is elsewhere. I know he's worried about how we're going to survive for these coming few months while waiting for Irfan to come and the expenses that are of course expected to increase and how we are going to pay for them. But when he catches me at the eyes he just smiled and teases me more. He even joked that we should spend the next weekend at a hotel somewhere since we haven't had the chance for any vacation this year.

Ya Allah, please give us strength. We wouldn't know how to get past all these if not for Your help and intervention, and You knows best. That's why we can still smile - we know You know. And You never forsakes Your slaves.