pieces of her heart

A little girl has been made orphan when God took her dear father back to His side.

she cried and asked, 'God, why did You take him from me?'

'because,' God answered, 'I want to take care of you Myself.' but she didn't hear the answer the first time, for she was crying too loud.

she couldn't remember how the day was, but she had seen it coming. the way her mother trembled when the police came, the simple but sharp directions her mother gave before she went to the hospital, 'clean the house, wear clothes onto your brothers and sister, wait for your father's friends to come pick you up.' and the look on her mother's face somehow said 'i think it's time.' and before she could even stop her mother to ask what she meant, although her teary eyes longed so much for convict that what she thought isn't real, her mother was gone.

and she was left alone to manage the house and her siblings.

a thousand things played wildly inside her head, the way they never did before. everything spins without direction, and she was trembling so hard that she couldn't focus on what she was doing. the only thing she had in mind is that she wanted to see her father smiling back at her, so desperately; she wanted for him to see her during her wedding day.

only to found out that he truly would never.

no one knew the depth of her hollow screams, although everyone could never forget them. she said everyone there was lying; that their sad looks were invalid. she tried to shake her father and asked him to wake up. she wanted her father to back her up, telling everyone to go away, hug his girl and save her from all harm. she wanted her father to save her from all the pity eyes around her that were watching her as if they would eat her alive in blood.

but when she saw how still her father was on the death board and how loud her mother was crying, she knew she has lost her savior. she knew she had to succumb. and she fell silent in shivers.

in which she learned to keep everything to herself.

she remembered how; only after 2 days her father died, she was scolded so badly by her aunt who were taking care of the family during the mourning days. her mother had become dysfunctional and blank, leaving her aunt and uncle to monitor their daily management; from eating to cleaning the house and taking her siblings out for some fresh air which somehow smelt like death.

she couldn't remember why she was scolded but she was told that since she is the eldest she should be responsible for everything. she had been made to understand that everything wrong is her fault. she was then left alone crying and hiding her face onto the cushions where her father used to lie for his afternoon naps. the cushions had been wet with her tears and she was covering her mouth so that no one would hear her calling to her father to rescue her. she cried until she fell asleep, with no tender hands gently touching her to make everything okay, without any soothing voice that tell her it's alright.

alone.

so she had accepted her fate, for her only solace was that she would always convince herself that it won't be too long before she can meet her father again. she gave her all, gave up her childhood and give away helps and deeds whatsoever they mean to everyone around her.

as long as they are okay, she always tell herself. because they are more important.

amidst her struggle and pain she didn't see him coming for her. she didn't see that she would love him so dear she could laugh and cry at the same time when she is with him. she didn't see that she would be that important for him. she didn't even know he would exist in her life.

but he did. and he messed up with everything she feels and thinks. he dug deep inside the hollow trench she had been keeping away from everyone. she didn't even notice she was exposing her own pain and fear in front of him between thick glass. he didn't know her pain, he didn't mind and he didn't care, all he knew was that he loves her. and for him, it seems to be enough.

but they are still packages of stories. they fight, they love and they unravel each other, so intricately woven that they couldn't imagine a world without one another anymore.

however, for a little girl who have suffered a daughter's worst nightmare, she has trained herself to expect the worst.

she said, 'if in the future i do something wrong and you decided to..'

'shhh.' he quickly cut her words. 'dont speak no more.' he paused, and continued, as if looking right through what she was thinking, about perhaps he might ended up leaving her, about perhaps she would do wrongs so much that he would eventually hate her, about perhaps if it wasn't she his life would have been better,

'everything will be alright.' he smiled.

she closed her eyes to pray, and she heard what God tried to say to her.

all these years. rewinding.

say i love you when you're not listening

the new song brought me back to the years when i still didnt have you.

after all these times and thinking how we will insyaAllah be united very soon makes me feel somehow in disbelief, sometimes. because i really thought that i would lose you, sooner or later. because i had lost people closest to me. because i dont want to feel hurt anymore. because, twice, i have been shattered. i made mistakes, i blamed their demise on myself. i always told that i could have been better. but i am not perfect. im not God. i always told myself that if you ever see these scars, you would definitely leave.

but you simply said that's not your style. that you have made your mind, and you are on your way.

i used to think that i live for others, until you found me. until you perfect me and i dont know how, but effortlessly, i perfect you. you told me that for us, it is always a win-win situation, a both sides fortune.

a two-sided coins. half of a heart each.

new shoes :)

a voice said i havent write too long. guess 2 months are not that close.

its freaky that i still have that shivers running through my veins when i thought about ACD. i can liken the first assessment experience and its interpretively horrible ending to my driving lessons classes - it was that horror. with all the crying and stuffs.

i should be stronger now. just dont know how strong. how would i know, then? (read: this is a VERY big question mark).

 i went a lot with him in these late months. so much conflicts happened and such blessings to have them all answered very unexpectedly and gracefully indeed. when we both looked back, he went silent for a minute and said, "it feels like everything has been made easier for us." indeed they have, and i was speechless, and he asked "why?" i smiled a bit and said "yeah. i dont know what to say, actually." and he said, "then say alhamdulillah." and gestured with his shoulder. i smiled wide and said alhamdulillah a lot a lot as i can remember i didnt count them, until i got teary and he gently said "everything will be okay."

i got my health back. alhamdulillah.

his business is doing good. alhamdulillah.

my work is pacing up. alhamdulillah.

we got two free vacations. alhamdulillah.

 the BIG day will be this year! alhamdulillah.

and most importantly, my dear prayers have been, oh, dearly answered. thank You, ya Allah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

It was Huddle's first time :)

Perhaps I should reclaim, on how life has been putting on strong waves upon me, but amidst the forceful sea, there are fish swimming around my fragile body; their colours glare and excite me more than ever, of their beauty. They resemble all the lessons life has instilled for me, to guide my way when I am lost, to befriend me when I am teary, and applause when I accomplish good.

And in that sea of life, I found vastness of love and kindness within, of which I found peace and hope. In each day I stroll my legs onto the ground, in each time I take a long gaze at the morning sky, chanting Your name.

One of our best teachers had gone back to Allah peacefully while she was warded in KPJ Specialist Hospital. We three young souls took a decision in a spun of a minute to go accompany our beloved teacher back to her hometown where she would be buried, and consoled her precious daughter (which happens to be our very close batch mate).

It was an unplanned trip, an unplanned meeting and conversation, nevertheless it went far better than we had expected; it made us realize that no matter how young we are, it is not the reason why we should not think about the preparations to die. And it also made us realized that we are not kids anymore, now we can drive in a car, find our own ways to school and really talk about serious matters.

"Do you remember? That when we were in high school, we planned about a lot of things, and no matter how fail and wrong we have been, we always, always acted like we know everything." I said to my dear friend.

She replied, "Yes, how immature we have been, weren't we? I am now more cautious, more observant, and much more obliged and trained to be careful than I was before."

"So do I," I said, with a small laugh, as we recalled the ignorant times, when we were more outspoken than bashful. How it meant everything or nothing, yes or no. Today, things are ever more complicated, but somehow we must manage.

I remembered what S.E. Hinton had said in her novel, "Things are rough all over, but stay gold, Ponytail. Stay Gold."

Today, I had mixed feelings; I almost concluded that I may feel both thankful and remorse when I got the news. It was a news everyone was waiting for, and most people are ever so delighted when they heard it that their faces gleamed of plans they can now carry on and things they can now buy.

I felt blessed to be among very successful people; although I felt quite jealous I couldn't help feeling happy for them because I know they do deserve it. I almost overreacted that one of my colleague said he would pinch me if I so ever open my mouth about his success and then, another friend and he teased me for something I have loved all my life that I felt quite hurt.

Afterwards, they did try to make up for it but I already had the mixed feelings, especially when I knew that I had been graded the same as people who do less than what I have done. I was very active last year and worked hard but my confidante friends said there had been an internal issue and I was not at all at fault of my very ordinary performance result.

I cried softly a bit and wiped it before it got too teary; searched for my iPod and listened to the songs when I found it. It made me forget about it for a while and helped me to be calm.

I then remembered what I have read from Little Women; that novel has helped me a lot in coping with my problems; big and small, and I am so thankful that it found me. I wish I can be the wonderful characters in it, especially Mrs March, whom I had found to be such a dear and wonderful, strong-willed woman. I then set her as my ambition and despite the hard news, pulled myself together and accepted the gift from Allah open-heartedly, and with wisdom. I won't feel any remorse, but I will work harder, insyaAllah.

And because I never can spare a secret from him, and we have made it a habitual thing to share all the pieces we experience and feel everyday, so I told him about the news, and how it had made me feel.

When he knew about this, he felt sorry for the result, but he was very delighted to see that I can now govern my feelings better, and he is very proud of his girl. Boy, I am so thankful that he said that; I thought no human ever notices my struggling.

Thank You Allah. I know You have reserved the best next thing for me. :)

peachy pink in cream

al fatihah to allahyarham tukwan.

i just met him 3 days ago and now he is gone. mak said he was suddenly cold, minutes after he last called her name. and he died on a thursday night. Allah bless him. ameen3.

i remembered he told me tukwan wanted to sponsor for my engagement ring, but mak insisted that he shouldnt do that, that we will work it out ourselves. he wanted to see us engaged since last year, and he wanted to see us got married this year.

i will remember his fond wishes.

seriously, how much time do we have with one another? we want so much to be accomplished, but seriously how much time we have to spend with each other?

mak said she was satisfied. tukwan has always been with them, has always been choosing them, has always been calling her name, not any others. and i know she has been very much patient with him, and she deserves to be satisfied.

by now tukwan has been lowered down into his grave, prayers chanted and some tears fell to the ground. silence will soon overwhelm every living creature.

and the dead.

ya Allah, grant him bliss and happyness in the hereafter and may he be released from all pain. ameen3..

i has just recovered from my own shortcoming. i have been down with bad cough and fever since last week. ma said my body asked me to stop for a while 'cause it cannot keep up with my spirit.

leave it to dearest mama to utter beautiful words like that.

the one who never stops to learn, in particular, me. and i, i never stop learning her. amidst the years that have passed and everything that has happened, there is always something new about us.

it surely is refreshing, to have surprises some time. it makes us realize how sometimes we have overlooked things, and how we want ourselves to be remembered, as how we want to be remembered.

she wants to go home and stay, i guess that is her most longed wish after years of struggling and waiting. and i, despite everything, want her to get what she wanted.

with respect and understanding.

with love.

ya Allah please let us have the time, please let us be satisfied, please let us not waste the precious times with our loved ones.

ameen3...

p/s: have a blessed friday.

its john steinbeck this time

In utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable
- John Steinbeck

the thing is, loneliness is not major in my life now. busyness is. but the quote reminded me of my long lost times in ausie when my posts were all lengthy and continuous. when somehow some things have never settled even to some length.

brainy quote is getting me wondering again. i simply love it. and blog-hopping is somehow frightening. you never know whatcha gonna get. it is peculiar how i always jumped upon politic-based blogs (are they so many of them, is that why?)

anyway.

back to work, peeps.

and have a blessed friday. remember to cut your nails and wear some perfume :)

with balloons, balloon pump, magic color pens and a lil' bit of time and thought

*le pompa bensin on jangan lupa namaku

this new fan can be quite cold. its blue and its awesome.

i never knew there's a person with the same name as mine a great vocalist. when i went to KJK this year there's a girl who carries my name and is also brilliant. and her teacher said she has a friend by the same name and they are constantly competing at school.

and then i had been reminded by a girl of same name carrying the head girl post two years after me at school.

can't name my own daughter by my name now, though :P

i have learnt that some people can be (oh my Allah) so annoying but also i have learnt that its not the way to treat them the way they deserve.

because they are just a small part of a grandest scheme of life, which means, well, they are not that important anyway.

dont know why lately i have been thinking about what i really should do in my life. i envy those who are masters in their field and are enjoying every bit of it.

i returned to my blank paper and mechanical pencil everytime, even though i am not very good at it.

also because i need to plan for my life projected 5 years beyond by which me myself have no idea what should it look like, make me constantly wonder.

i guess i just needed a time break. i know that my life hasnt been meaningless; they are just tiring a lot of times. i need to reset my objectives and start running. so much of conflicting responsibilities and interests, of loves and obligations.

i might start to lepak more at the kedai kopi ttfc after this, with a borrowed squash racket and its small ball. really, i have been practicing.

quite a new year resolution, i guess?