pck amer & syg

i might get screwed up again this time. sometimes there are things in life which are just very persevere in holding me from understanding them. as time goes by i find it harder and harder to predict things or to expect anything from myself. i dont regret it though; i just feel like im swollen up by it, munched and chewed little by little. honestly it's not a pleasant feeling; i always wonder how much longer will i be able to go through this; continuously feeling short in breath and limited in abilities.

the only cure i found was these three things- to believe, to work hard, and to pray.

living far away from home; i couldnt help but feeling so demotivated. however my loved ones remains a magic for me; they always find me no matter how far i go. keeping in touch with their hearts and all the optimism they unravel before me help me to believe that things are going to be okay, just because i am never alone. i remember once when someone said to me that "if God set something for us to obey, we should obey even though the rule may not be good for us or even if we dont know why He set up the rules; that's what make us believers". i went through the sentence a couple of times and was somehow quite disheartened by it. and then i realize that that is not true, no matter what God determines for me, it would be good. and to always keep thinking like that- that what makes me a believer.

however, life is always a struggle, every little here and then. that's why i should work hard. even if i might not succeed, i should still be thankful and never give up. i might not be able to do anything so big and important; but at least i'll try and keep trying-

along with prayers. God is good, and He is full of mercy. i dont ask so that i'll get well paid for my effort; rather i pray so that He will be kind towards me, because without His kindness and permission, i cant even pray.

ya Allah, im sorry for not being good. i know i always am not good, and i dont know whether i'll be good or not. forgive us and please..please have mercy on us.

ameen...