still am a bad writer

i guess i havent write for some time. feeling awkward though; there are times when too many things happen and i feel like laminating them all down, but i just cant. maybe the time hasnt come for me to do that. maybe i should just wait.

wait- a magic word for me. how in my life that i had to wait many times; and how that many times 'played' with my patience, and how that patience fruited to many cherishable and most significant moments in my life.

and how He set them all up.

and still, im so impatient. there are actually lots of things to be done, i must say, but oh, this heart is restless, sometimes it keeps on calling and calling till i got weak and cry. have you ever felt like you must do something eventhough you dont have a strong, valid reason to do so? and we human demand for figures and facts; eventhough i can say im quite a 'feeler' and its truster, but still- i cant 100% trust something that's not in front of my eyes. and eventually, He took the first step, giving me no other choices to take. yes, He had promised me the fairest story more than once, and He told me that He'll always be with me. but oh, how i am very weak to believe myself to accept His proposal. because He is full of secrets and mysteries and i dont know what will happen, eventhough i felt strongly that i should take the decision. like Forrest Gump's mama said, "life's like a box of chocolate; you'll never know what you gonna get." and when He had set up everything for me, i can do nothing but followed. and waiting- what will happen next. but what is clear now, is that He wants me to do this. and keep holding on Him. and He promised me good.

and He then taught me to be brave in believing in Him. He wants me to put His love on me at risk. He wants to prove that He loves me. and so, i should give myself a chance, shouldn't i? give it a shot, because "when you love someone, let them go. if they return, they are always yours, and if they dont, they never were. love is not put here to stay; it is not love until you give it away." and if you really believe, put your faith at risk. and test it. because that is where its value lies. there's a saying that goes "the great act of faith is when a man decides he is not God" (oliver wendell holmes, jr). sometimes, He chooses some things just to personify His love.

yes my Lord, im not God. and this heart is still trying to hear You and to listen to Your whispers and to accept Your love. for the first time in my life, ive been tested- God, did i pass...? ive taken the first step; i did take, but im still not strong enough to keep it. and i didnt mean to spoil it; i just didnt want him to get confused. its not that i dont trust you, my Lord, im just so fragile and alone here. and sometimes those can kill me.

but You have promised to be here with me, havent You? and when You took for me that decision and keep me on it, i knew then that You are here with me. and every spur in my heart, each word i speak of, each song that i sing, each glimpse that i take, each beat my heart makes, each thought in my head, each swing my hand does, each feeling that i have- none of them is useless to You. You take into account everything, You listen to each of them, and You understand every single part of them. more than i can do myself. every part of me is important to You.

once You told me, "you have come this far, what else do you fear?" my Lord, it is my heart that keeps me moving because it never stop hoping and believing, but this same heart is also so fragile, very displeased to be hurt. i know you're governing it, and i know You are making it strong. so all the decisions You made for me, none of them i trust to be wrong. eventhough this world has both good and bad, but all of them return to You. none that happened is to be regretted.

a wise man once said, "we do not choose destiny; it chooses us." and as albert einstein once said, "i believe that God doesnt play dice." truly, my Lord, if i ever have a reason, it will be You.

and im still a bad writer, am i...? ;)