concerning the sound of a train whistle in the night - haruki murakami

this is the 400th post.

i went back early today; well, we all did. nadia and i went to kino. i wanted to find a part of me that's missing.

when i walked back home, the rain has just stopped but sun rays were already dancing through the leaves. Traces of rain drops falling from the leaves of the line of trees where i was walking, and then absorbed by the pavement and some of them seeped into my shoes i was almost careful not to splash them. the sky was heavy but bright at the same time, shades of grey and dark blue and white filled the sea blue sky. i could see KLCC from where i was standing.

nearer to my block i could hear guitar being played, the music reminds me of hobbies and good times, and how everyone should have some spare time to do what they really want to do, everyday. that very thought clenches my heart sometimes too tight but i usually would have been too tired to remove it. missing a part of yourself is like a coming wave, it comes to you for a sudden without you anticipate it, and sometimes it goes away from you unnoticed. and i, the more, want it back that it aches me to remember the glittering past whereby i can sit still all afternoon and spend it quietly with the chirps of birds and swimming ducks by the student accommodation's lake.

so i try, little by little, to bring back those times, albeit it is not common. although it would take some time, although at certain places and conditions it would not fit. even earlier when i was watching those falling rain drops, i blinked many times, just to make sure my eyes took enough snapshots to store it longer in my mind.

my creativity is one of the fine arts that define me, and it is draining i can feel i am not soaked in it anymore like i was in my formal studying years. and darn it, i cannot let it go i want it back too much i will definitely get it back with His will. and He knows best.

i stumbled upon a book on creativity, on how to stay creative, some words are:

- dont wait until you are better to be creative
- everyone should have a side job, a part hobby
- write what you want to read

very good insights indeed.

ascending up the lift, i then wondered about the time that we can eventually live together, in our own house, with our own furniture, book shelves, kitchen, toilets, bedrooms, and lawns.

if we cannot have our own book room, then our bedroom and living room will have a lot of book shelves. i am a book keeper so i will find it hard to let go of books. some i will keep just to make sure i will read them again with different perspectives, just to track how much i have changed between the years.

i love children books so no matter how many children we would have i will eventually buy some time by time. i love the honest and merry english and i'm always amazed how simple words can mean the world to me sometimes. and japanese books, too, as i am sure as heaven right now that no matter what i cannot let go of my dream to go there, or live there for a while, or for forever. i don't know about forever yet, but i am sure going. im going, no matter what.

and i will make sure that the cupboards and book shelves are all wood-made, so after some years it would smell of books and trees and chocolate pages. and i will have a lot of note books by which i doodle or draw or write good quotes or some japanese. i haven't found one type that i can live with forever, though. although some are very nice and 'me' but since they are pricey they are automatically out. i have decided that i don't need a lot of money to be creative, my history has definitely proved that.

and my wardrobe will be full of colours, so of course i will arrange them according to the rainbow. but i am not sure about my wardrobe being tidy; sometimes he is better and sometimes i do like to play around with my things up to a point that they would become messy. a little bit- i am a freaking perfectionist to be able to stay messy, anyway.

by thinking how 'me' i can be, makes me happy. (^___~)Y

"happiness is when what you think, say and do, are in harmony"

da ne?

and there's another thing that makes me happy that each time i recall it my heart will feel warm and my mind can be calm again.

the moment when i just finished drying my body after bath and he came with a comb, asked me to sit in front of him and started to comb my hair. although i see in movies that they usually chat about a lot of nice things during that time but i was too happy that i didn't know what words to say.

a taste of heaven, i should have said. thank you forever, my soulmate cum hubby. i love you.