i decided to go home after isyak prayer to get my new swimming suit which has just arrived yesterday. so i brought along necessities which included the Picoult's novel The Changing Heart.
as i flipped through the pages and been absorbed into the story, i realized how sensitive i was at small things such as people laying their bodies onto the standing pole thus blocking others to hold to it, water leakage from somewhere running on the floor and almost soaked my thank-God waterproof shopping bag, the way i stood and posed myself.
when the train stopped at Kuang and the door slowly opened, damp and fresh air rushed in and brushed my face. i could feel the breeze and thought, 'ahh..i'm breathing the air of Kuang. the air here is not the same as it is at Rawang where i usually breath.' my feet were just a few centimeters away from stepping on Kuang's ground, and it made me wonder whether i should take the chance to hop out for a second and hop back in; just so that i could add in a little bit of Kuang's memory inside me with one second worth of touch.
but as i was drifted by my weights of thoughts, the door slowly closed back on me.
what if that was my only chance? what if chances are all that we have got while we are still living?
i reflected upon my sensitivity, my past actions, my whines and worries about things that could happen; before they happen.
i realized that i cannot change what have happened and things that had been done; but i can change how i view them and how i spend my life now. and yes, i have no idea about the future, but i can pray, hope and trust for the best.
i remembered how he always tell me that i have done nothing wrong. i remembered how he saw me cry and convinced me that everything will be okay. i remembered how warm he was when he was close enough for me to feel his breath on my face as he told me that he loves me- many times. i remembered how he always try his best to make me happy and put a smile on my face and never let me go. i wonder how many times i have overlooked his smile, his sadness, his struggling.
and then i remembered about my brothers and sisters, and how they just want to be happy, and how much i am capable to make that happen. i know sometimes i ignored them, even for the best reasons that i should still have to make up to them. and i want to make them happy so badly.
and there's this one person that always stay. no matter how difficult i have made her, no matter how long the journey has been, no matter how lost and alone she had been. i remembered how many times she kisses me every time she kisses me (one at the forehead, another at my nose, then my left and right cheek, and sometimes my chin and mouth), and remembered how tight she always hug me each time she had to send me off. i remembered how she overcame her sadness when i was mad at her and how she struggled to made up to me. every time i went home she cooks and prepare the most lavish cuisine of her own creativity, and i'm never able to say no for seconds because they are so delicious. my mama who teaches me the meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.
no matter how many difficult times i face with these people above, no matter how hard, no matter how depressing. they are always there with me, i wonder how many times they have been taken for granted.
dear God, i am so thankful for having them in my life. i'll say thank You as long as i can, as many times as i can. i'll grab the chances You give me piece by piece, trying to make the best out of them within the capability of my small and limited hands. i'll apology for the lost, the hurt and the ignored. to You i rely, to You i say pray for them and me for our happiness, strength and success.
i love you all..i really do...
p/s: happy belated birthday awin ;)
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Sunday, 20 March 2011
I tried to recall the times when I whole-heartedly moved forward, without even take one look back. I tried to recapture the strength, the single-mindedness I managed to wrap myself into; became whole.
But everything went blank and I felt myself sank into a black hole. Sometimes I just don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I'm just lost like an alien.
I want to swim, until my limbs go stiff and cramped, until my body feels chilled to the bone. I want to swim, until my breaths fall short, until I'm tired of smiling every time I finish a lap. I want my body to work their muscles out, feeling the gush of water under my cheekbone, slurring through my armpits, controlling my breaths and the spread of my arms and the width of my splayed legs. I want to swim until I can't think of anything else.
Just like I want to cry so loud until all the masks I've been wearing melt down, until I lose my voice, until I can't remember myself anymore.
Adik sleeps so soundly at the left side of the bed. She must have been waiting for this moment so long, when she eyed the door from afar, waiting for it to open, so that she could sneak in and go onto the bed. We know they miss the softness of the mattress and the cool winds brushing their faces when they are asleep, and once she managed to quietly move to her favorite spot and lied down, closing her eyes, I didn't have the heart to put her back outside. Abang and adik have been barred from the rooms because their furs are loose and we can't afford to clean them off everytime, but just right now, I can't afford to see her sweet sleep disturbed.
I understand the feelings of missing the ones that you love. It's like rewinding the same movie again and again in your head, when everything else moves, or not moving at all. It's like reminding and pushing yourself to think about the brighter side of your life when everything in front of you goes wrong. It's like trying to keep the missing pieces when the good things are taken away from you.
It's about saying that you're okay when you actually feels like bawling and don't know where to find strength; only to know how to pretend to be strong. And then you'll wonder on how long people can stand with you when you yourself don't think that you'll last long.
Everytime I feel like this I'll crumple myself into position of the fetus, closing enough to retain the heat and trying to shudder off the cold, for as long as I need.
As long as everyone is happy. As long as everyone is okay.
"Tertundanya pemberian setelah engkau mengulang-ulang permintaan, janganlah membuatmu berpatah harapan. Allah menjamin pengabulan du'a sesuai dengan apa yang Dia pilih buatmu, bukan menurut apa yang engkau pilih sendiri, dan pada saat yang Dia kehendaki - bukan pada waktu yang engkau ingini." [Imam Ibn Athaillah As-Sakandari]
"Allah menjawab du'a para hamba-Nya yang penuh kerinduan dan permohonan yang keluar dari hati yang ikhlas. Memohon pertolongan Allah didorong dengan perintah-Nya untuk kembali kepada-Nya. Maka, waktu dan cara-Nya membalas du'a pun tergantung pada-Nya. Yang perlu dilakukan oleh makhluk adalah berdu'a, bergantung dan percaya pada cara-cara yang sempurna dari Sang Pencipta, kerana Dia selalu mengetahui keadaan kita yang sebenarnya, juga pertolongan serta perbekalan apa yang tepat buat kita dalam perjalanan menuju-Nya." [ulasan oleh Syeikh Fadhlalla Haeri]
Ya Allah terimalah kami, jadikanlah kami hamba-hamba-Mu yang ikhlas, sebenar-benar bergantung pada-Mu bukan selain-Mu, yang beradab penuh santun dalam bermohon kepada-Mu, tiada berpatah harapan atas penundaan-Mu, memilih dengan pilihan-Mu, setiap permohonan kami adalah dalam keredhaan-Mu, dan setiap nafas kami meraih kecintaan-Mu.. amiin.
But everything went blank and I felt myself sank into a black hole. Sometimes I just don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I'm just lost like an alien.
I want to swim, until my limbs go stiff and cramped, until my body feels chilled to the bone. I want to swim, until my breaths fall short, until I'm tired of smiling every time I finish a lap. I want my body to work their muscles out, feeling the gush of water under my cheekbone, slurring through my armpits, controlling my breaths and the spread of my arms and the width of my splayed legs. I want to swim until I can't think of anything else.
Just like I want to cry so loud until all the masks I've been wearing melt down, until I lose my voice, until I can't remember myself anymore.
Adik sleeps so soundly at the left side of the bed. She must have been waiting for this moment so long, when she eyed the door from afar, waiting for it to open, so that she could sneak in and go onto the bed. We know they miss the softness of the mattress and the cool winds brushing their faces when they are asleep, and once she managed to quietly move to her favorite spot and lied down, closing her eyes, I didn't have the heart to put her back outside. Abang and adik have been barred from the rooms because their furs are loose and we can't afford to clean them off everytime, but just right now, I can't afford to see her sweet sleep disturbed.
I understand the feelings of missing the ones that you love. It's like rewinding the same movie again and again in your head, when everything else moves, or not moving at all. It's like reminding and pushing yourself to think about the brighter side of your life when everything in front of you goes wrong. It's like trying to keep the missing pieces when the good things are taken away from you.
It's about saying that you're okay when you actually feels like bawling and don't know where to find strength; only to know how to pretend to be strong. And then you'll wonder on how long people can stand with you when you yourself don't think that you'll last long.
Everytime I feel like this I'll crumple myself into position of the fetus, closing enough to retain the heat and trying to shudder off the cold, for as long as I need.
As long as everyone is happy. As long as everyone is okay.
"Tertundanya pemberian setelah engkau mengulang-ulang permintaan, janganlah membuatmu berpatah harapan. Allah menjamin pengabulan du'a sesuai dengan apa yang Dia pilih buatmu, bukan menurut apa yang engkau pilih sendiri, dan pada saat yang Dia kehendaki - bukan pada waktu yang engkau ingini." [Imam Ibn Athaillah As-Sakandari]
"Allah menjawab du'a para hamba-Nya yang penuh kerinduan dan permohonan yang keluar dari hati yang ikhlas. Memohon pertolongan Allah didorong dengan perintah-Nya untuk kembali kepada-Nya. Maka, waktu dan cara-Nya membalas du'a pun tergantung pada-Nya. Yang perlu dilakukan oleh makhluk adalah berdu'a, bergantung dan percaya pada cara-cara yang sempurna dari Sang Pencipta, kerana Dia selalu mengetahui keadaan kita yang sebenarnya, juga pertolongan serta perbekalan apa yang tepat buat kita dalam perjalanan menuju-Nya." [ulasan oleh Syeikh Fadhlalla Haeri]
Ya Allah terimalah kami, jadikanlah kami hamba-hamba-Mu yang ikhlas, sebenar-benar bergantung pada-Mu bukan selain-Mu, yang beradab penuh santun dalam bermohon kepada-Mu, tiada berpatah harapan atas penundaan-Mu, memilih dengan pilihan-Mu, setiap permohonan kami adalah dalam keredhaan-Mu, dan setiap nafas kami meraih kecintaan-Mu.. amiin.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
ya Allah..kuatkanlah dan sembuhkanlah en aspar..ameen3...
p.s.
happy belated 20th birthday my love...God knows how much I miss you and want to be with you...
p.s.
happy belated 21st birthday afiq...
p.s.
tq for being good friends, ejul & helmi...
happy belated 20th birthday my love...God knows how much I miss you and want to be with you...
p.s.
happy belated 21st birthday afiq...
p.s.
tq for being good friends, ejul & helmi...
Friday, 11 February 2011
Al-Insaan
[1]
Bukankah telah berlalu kepada manusia satu ketika dari masa (yang beredar), sedang ia (masih belum wujud lagi, dan) tidak menjadi sesuatu benda yang disebut-sebut, (maka mengapa kaum musyrik itu mengingkari hari akhirat)?
[2]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah aturkan cara mencipta manusia bermulanya dari air mani yang bercampur (dari pati benih lelaki dan perempuan), serta Kami tetap mengujinya (dengan kewajipan-kewajipan); oleh itu maka Kami jadikan dia berkeadaan mendengar dan melihat.
[3]
Kerana keadaan itu tidak mencukupi, maka) sesungguhnya Kami telah menunjukkan kepadanya (melalui akal dan Rasul) akan jalan-jalan (yang benar dan yang salah; maka terserahlah kepadanya) sama ada ia bersyukur (dengan beriman dan taat), ataupun ia berlaku kufur (dengan mengingkari kebenaran atau menderhaka).
[4]
(Dalam pada itu), sesungguhnya Kami telah menyediakan bagi sesiapa yang berlaku kufur (atau menderhaka): beberapa rantai dan belenggu serta neraka yang menjulang-julang.
[5]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang berbakti (dengan taat dan kebajikan), akan meminum dari piala: sejenis minuman yang bercampur dengan “Kafur”, -
[6]
Iaitu sebuah matair (di Syurga), yang diminum daripadanya oleh hamba-hamba Allah (yang taat); mereka boleh mengalirkannya (di tempat-tempat tinggal mereka) dengan aliran yang semudah-mudahnya dan menurut kemahuannya.
[7]
(Mereka dikurniakan kesenangan itu kerana) mereka menyempurnakan nazarnya (apatah lagi yang diwajibkan Tuhan kepadanya), serta mereka takutkan hari (akhirat) yang azab seksanya merebak di sana sini.
[8]
Mereka juga memberi makan benda-benda makanan yang dihajati dan disukainya, kepada orang miskin dan anak yatim serta orang tawanan,
[9]
(Sambil berkata dengan lidah atau dengan hati): “Sesungguhnya kami memberi makan kepada kamu kerana Allah semata-mata; kami tidak berkehendakkan sebarang balasan dari kamu atau ucapan terima kasih,
[10]
“Kami sebenarnya takutkan Tuhan kami, takut Ia kenakan kami azab hari yang padanya muka orang-orang yang bersalah: masam berkerut-kerut”.
[11]
Dengan sebab (mereka menjaga diri dari kesalahan), maka Allah selamatkan mereka dari kesengsaraan hari yang demikian keadaannya, serta memberikan kepada mereka keindahan yang berseri-seri (di muka), dan perasaan ria gembira (di hati).
[12]
Dan kerana kesabaran mereka (mengerjakan suruhan Allah dan meninggalkan laranganNya), mereka dibalas oleh Allah dengan Syurga dan (persalinan dari) sutera.
[13]
Mereka berehat di dalam Syurga dengan berbaring di atas pelamin-pelamin (yang berhias), mereka tidak nampak di situ adanya matahari (usahkan hawa panasnya), dan tidak juga merasai suasana yang terlampau sejuk;
[14]
Sedang naungan pohon-pohon Syurga itu dekat kepada mereka, dan buah-buahannya pula dimudahkan (untuk mereka memetiknya) dengan semudah-mudahnya.
[15]
Dan (selain itu) diedarkan kepada mereka (oleh pelayan-pelayannya): bijana dari perak dan piala-piala minuman yang keadaannya laksana kaca (nampak jelas isinya) -
[16]
(Keadaannya laksana) kaca, (sedang ia) dari perak; pelayan-pelayan itu menentukan kadar isinya sekadar yang cukup betul dengan kehendak penggunanya.
[17]
Dan mereka dalam Syurga itu, diberi minum sejenis minuman yang campurannya dari “Zanjabil”,
[18]
Iaitu sebuah matair dalam Syurga, yang disebutkan sifatnya sebagai “Salsabil”.
[19]
Dan mereka dilayani oleh anak-anak muda lelaki yang tetap kekal (dalam keadaan mudanya), yang sentiasa beredar di sekitar mereka; apabila engkau melihat anak-anak muda itu, nescaya engkau menyangkanya mutiara yang bertaburan.
[20]
Dan apabila engkau melihat di sana (dalam Syurga itu), engkau melihat nikmat yang melimpah-limpah dan kerajaan yang besar (yang tidak ada bandingannya).
[21]
Mereka di dalam Syurga memakai pakaian hijau yang diperbuat dari sutera halus dan sutera tebal (yang bertekat), serta mereka dihiasi dengan gelang-gelang tangan dari perak; dan mereka diberi minum oleh Tuhan mereka dengan sejenis minuman (yang lain) yang bersih suci.
[22]
(Serta dikatakan kepada mereka): “Sesungguhnya (segala pemberian) ini adalah untuk kamu sebagai balasan, dan adalah usaha amal kamu (di dunia dahulu) diterima dan dihargai (oleh Allah)”.
[23]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah menurunkan Al-Quran kepadamu (wahai Muhammad), dengan beransur-ansur.
[24]
Oleh itu hendaklah engkau bersabar menerima hukum Tuhanmu (memberi tempoh kepada golongan yang menentangmu), dan janganlah engkau menurut kehendak orang yang berdosa di antara mereka, atau orang yang kufur ingkar.
[25]
Dan sebutlah dengan lidah atau dengan hati akan nama Tuhanmu (di dalam dan di luar sembahyang), pada waktu pagi dan petang;
[26]
Dan (dengan apa keadaan pun maka) pada sebahagian dari waktu malam sujudlah kepada Tuhan (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang), dan (seboleh-bolehnya) bertasbihlah memujiNya (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang Tahajjud), pada sebahagian yang panjang dari waktu malam.
[27]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang (yang menentangmu) itu sentiasa mencintai (kesenangan dan kemewahan dunia) yang cepat habisnya, serta mereka membelakangkan (tidak menghiraukan bekalan) untuk hari akhirat yang amat berat (penderitaannya kepada orang-orang yang tidak bertaqwa).
[28]
Kamilah yang menciptakan mereka serta menguatkan tulang sendi dan urat saraf mereka; (Kami berkuasa membinasakan mereka) dan apabila Kami kehendaki, Kami gantikan (mereka dengan) orang-orang yang serupa dengan mereka, dengan penggantian yang sebaik-baiknya.
[29]
Sesungguhnya (segala keterangan yang disebutkan) ini, menjadi peringatan; maka sesiapa yang mahukan (kebaikan dirinya) bolehlah ia mengambil jalan yang menyampaikan kepada keredaan Allah (dengan iman dan taat).
[30]
Dan tiadalah kamu berkemahuan (melakukan sesuatu perkara) melainkan dengan cara yang dikehendaki Allah; sesungguhnya Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana (mengaturkan sebarang perkara yang dikehendakiNya).
[31]
Ia memasukkan sesiapa yang dikehendakiNya (menurut aturan yang ditetapkan) ke dalam rahmatNya (dengan ditempatkannya di dalam Syurga); dan orang-orang yang zalim, Ia menyediakan untuk mereka azab seksa yang tidak terperi sakitnya.
Bukankah telah berlalu kepada manusia satu ketika dari masa (yang beredar), sedang ia (masih belum wujud lagi, dan) tidak menjadi sesuatu benda yang disebut-sebut, (maka mengapa kaum musyrik itu mengingkari hari akhirat)?
[2]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah aturkan cara mencipta manusia bermulanya dari air mani yang bercampur (dari pati benih lelaki dan perempuan), serta Kami tetap mengujinya (dengan kewajipan-kewajipan); oleh itu maka Kami jadikan dia berkeadaan mendengar dan melihat.
[3]
Kerana keadaan itu tidak mencukupi, maka) sesungguhnya Kami telah menunjukkan kepadanya (melalui akal dan Rasul) akan jalan-jalan (yang benar dan yang salah; maka terserahlah kepadanya) sama ada ia bersyukur (dengan beriman dan taat), ataupun ia berlaku kufur (dengan mengingkari kebenaran atau menderhaka).
[4]
(Dalam pada itu), sesungguhnya Kami telah menyediakan bagi sesiapa yang berlaku kufur (atau menderhaka): beberapa rantai dan belenggu serta neraka yang menjulang-julang.
[5]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang berbakti (dengan taat dan kebajikan), akan meminum dari piala: sejenis minuman yang bercampur dengan “Kafur”, -
[6]
Iaitu sebuah matair (di Syurga), yang diminum daripadanya oleh hamba-hamba Allah (yang taat); mereka boleh mengalirkannya (di tempat-tempat tinggal mereka) dengan aliran yang semudah-mudahnya dan menurut kemahuannya.
[7]
(Mereka dikurniakan kesenangan itu kerana) mereka menyempurnakan nazarnya (apatah lagi yang diwajibkan Tuhan kepadanya), serta mereka takutkan hari (akhirat) yang azab seksanya merebak di sana sini.
[8]
Mereka juga memberi makan benda-benda makanan yang dihajati dan disukainya, kepada orang miskin dan anak yatim serta orang tawanan,
[9]
(Sambil berkata dengan lidah atau dengan hati): “Sesungguhnya kami memberi makan kepada kamu kerana Allah semata-mata; kami tidak berkehendakkan sebarang balasan dari kamu atau ucapan terima kasih,
[10]
“Kami sebenarnya takutkan Tuhan kami, takut Ia kenakan kami azab hari yang padanya muka orang-orang yang bersalah: masam berkerut-kerut”.
[11]
Dengan sebab (mereka menjaga diri dari kesalahan), maka Allah selamatkan mereka dari kesengsaraan hari yang demikian keadaannya, serta memberikan kepada mereka keindahan yang berseri-seri (di muka), dan perasaan ria gembira (di hati).
[12]
Dan kerana kesabaran mereka (mengerjakan suruhan Allah dan meninggalkan laranganNya), mereka dibalas oleh Allah dengan Syurga dan (persalinan dari) sutera.
[13]
Mereka berehat di dalam Syurga dengan berbaring di atas pelamin-pelamin (yang berhias), mereka tidak nampak di situ adanya matahari (usahkan hawa panasnya), dan tidak juga merasai suasana yang terlampau sejuk;
[14]
Sedang naungan pohon-pohon Syurga itu dekat kepada mereka, dan buah-buahannya pula dimudahkan (untuk mereka memetiknya) dengan semudah-mudahnya.
[15]
Dan (selain itu) diedarkan kepada mereka (oleh pelayan-pelayannya): bijana dari perak dan piala-piala minuman yang keadaannya laksana kaca (nampak jelas isinya) -
[16]
(Keadaannya laksana) kaca, (sedang ia) dari perak; pelayan-pelayan itu menentukan kadar isinya sekadar yang cukup betul dengan kehendak penggunanya.
[17]
Dan mereka dalam Syurga itu, diberi minum sejenis minuman yang campurannya dari “Zanjabil”,
[18]
Iaitu sebuah matair dalam Syurga, yang disebutkan sifatnya sebagai “Salsabil”.
[19]
Dan mereka dilayani oleh anak-anak muda lelaki yang tetap kekal (dalam keadaan mudanya), yang sentiasa beredar di sekitar mereka; apabila engkau melihat anak-anak muda itu, nescaya engkau menyangkanya mutiara yang bertaburan.
[20]
Dan apabila engkau melihat di sana (dalam Syurga itu), engkau melihat nikmat yang melimpah-limpah dan kerajaan yang besar (yang tidak ada bandingannya).
[21]
Mereka di dalam Syurga memakai pakaian hijau yang diperbuat dari sutera halus dan sutera tebal (yang bertekat), serta mereka dihiasi dengan gelang-gelang tangan dari perak; dan mereka diberi minum oleh Tuhan mereka dengan sejenis minuman (yang lain) yang bersih suci.
[22]
(Serta dikatakan kepada mereka): “Sesungguhnya (segala pemberian) ini adalah untuk kamu sebagai balasan, dan adalah usaha amal kamu (di dunia dahulu) diterima dan dihargai (oleh Allah)”.
[23]
Sesungguhnya Kami telah menurunkan Al-Quran kepadamu (wahai Muhammad), dengan beransur-ansur.
[24]
Oleh itu hendaklah engkau bersabar menerima hukum Tuhanmu (memberi tempoh kepada golongan yang menentangmu), dan janganlah engkau menurut kehendak orang yang berdosa di antara mereka, atau orang yang kufur ingkar.
[25]
Dan sebutlah dengan lidah atau dengan hati akan nama Tuhanmu (di dalam dan di luar sembahyang), pada waktu pagi dan petang;
[26]
Dan (dengan apa keadaan pun maka) pada sebahagian dari waktu malam sujudlah kepada Tuhan (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang), dan (seboleh-bolehnya) bertasbihlah memujiNya (dengan mengerjakan sembahyang Tahajjud), pada sebahagian yang panjang dari waktu malam.
[27]
Sesungguhnya orang-orang (yang menentangmu) itu sentiasa mencintai (kesenangan dan kemewahan dunia) yang cepat habisnya, serta mereka membelakangkan (tidak menghiraukan bekalan) untuk hari akhirat yang amat berat (penderitaannya kepada orang-orang yang tidak bertaqwa).
[28]
Kamilah yang menciptakan mereka serta menguatkan tulang sendi dan urat saraf mereka; (Kami berkuasa membinasakan mereka) dan apabila Kami kehendaki, Kami gantikan (mereka dengan) orang-orang yang serupa dengan mereka, dengan penggantian yang sebaik-baiknya.
[29]
Sesungguhnya (segala keterangan yang disebutkan) ini, menjadi peringatan; maka sesiapa yang mahukan (kebaikan dirinya) bolehlah ia mengambil jalan yang menyampaikan kepada keredaan Allah (dengan iman dan taat).
[30]
Dan tiadalah kamu berkemahuan (melakukan sesuatu perkara) melainkan dengan cara yang dikehendaki Allah; sesungguhnya Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui, lagi Maha Bijaksana (mengaturkan sebarang perkara yang dikehendakiNya).
[31]
Ia memasukkan sesiapa yang dikehendakiNya (menurut aturan yang ditetapkan) ke dalam rahmatNya (dengan ditempatkannya di dalam Syurga); dan orang-orang yang zalim, Ia menyediakan untuk mereka azab seksa yang tidak terperi sakitnya.
"I can't do this, Sam."
"I know. It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here. But we are.
It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you that meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in the stories, had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going, because they were holding on to something."
"What are we holding on to, Sam?"
"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
The definition of us
Losses befallen on us and we were dumped in shitty holes. Before we realized anything we started to hurt and punish each other when no one was actually at fault. Sometimes we knew this but the wounds in our hearts have become so deep that all happiness and joy we once knew now seem too far from reach and we feel so accustomed to anger and grief that it becomes too hard to let go and start anew. Nevertheless we struggle through and try our best to set our feet on a fresh ground, together, holding tight to each other, even though we still bleed.
I seldom look back or recount any from the past, except for the moments when we never lost anything and had nothing to worry about and had all the time in the world to count how many drops there were in the rain. Except for recalling those moments, I spend my time dreaming about the future where everything is still crystals, diamonds, snow and puffy clouds. At least that's how I manage this pain. And just as the rest of the family, even during the fuckiest times I never fail to sense the urge and desire for a better life. A hope, on which I cling on, that after everything that happened I can still call it my home.
Through prayers and chances we are blessed to have.
I seldom look back or recount any from the past, except for the moments when we never lost anything and had nothing to worry about and had all the time in the world to count how many drops there were in the rain. Except for recalling those moments, I spend my time dreaming about the future where everything is still crystals, diamonds, snow and puffy clouds. At least that's how I manage this pain. And just as the rest of the family, even during the fuckiest times I never fail to sense the urge and desire for a better life. A hope, on which I cling on, that after everything that happened I can still call it my home.
Through prayers and chances we are blessed to have.
Monday, 31 January 2011
dalam banyak-banyak van, van apa yang boleh dimakan?
i just finished recalculating for my financial planning.
with time, some major changes will happen in your life and knowing that, you should recalculate your financial progress and think of ways to maximize your profit.
we had an inspiring minum petang with my foster father about how he became a millionaire. and today when i met my friends we shared about which is better- ASB saving or ASB financing. after much study and calculations, we arrived at the conclusion that the latter is more rewarding.
and a colleague also noted about an ASB loan package by RHB whereby we only have to pay for the interest for the first 3 years and only start to pay the principle after that 3 years. if, we want to terminate the loan before we start paying for the principle we can do so and take out the dividends to start a fresh loan. im still studying into that.
with my financial planning so far, with God's will everything go smooth i can confidently say that i can become a millionaire before i retire.
which brings me back to the question- why do i want to be a millionaire/multimillionaire?
perhaps the number 1 reason is that im already tired and am done with financial barriers. therefore i want to have that financial freedom as soon as possible.
and of course, for the future of my family.
and third, as a welfare for me in akhiraat.
ya Allah, please guide us the way, bring us ease through our plans, save us from undesirable mishaps and grant us 'us' until forever...ameen, ameen, ameen ya Allah...
with time, some major changes will happen in your life and knowing that, you should recalculate your financial progress and think of ways to maximize your profit.
we had an inspiring minum petang with my foster father about how he became a millionaire. and today when i met my friends we shared about which is better- ASB saving or ASB financing. after much study and calculations, we arrived at the conclusion that the latter is more rewarding.
and a colleague also noted about an ASB loan package by RHB whereby we only have to pay for the interest for the first 3 years and only start to pay the principle after that 3 years. if, we want to terminate the loan before we start paying for the principle we can do so and take out the dividends to start a fresh loan. im still studying into that.
with my financial planning so far, with God's will everything go smooth i can confidently say that i can become a millionaire before i retire.
which brings me back to the question- why do i want to be a millionaire/multimillionaire?
perhaps the number 1 reason is that im already tired and am done with financial barriers. therefore i want to have that financial freedom as soon as possible.
and of course, for the future of my family.
and third, as a welfare for me in akhiraat.
ya Allah, please guide us the way, bring us ease through our plans, save us from undesirable mishaps and grant us 'us' until forever...ameen, ameen, ameen ya Allah...
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
ginormica
it has been a while, again.
i just remembered about replenishing my bloggish thirst and when i saw the previous title it made me resembled about how my life has been up and down like a roller coaster with the switch off of 2010 and the brand new coming of 2011. apart from that, i cannot complain.
there has been some changes with the new year, either they happen coincidentally or not. the first one is the change of weather; resulting a sudden shift in focus from geophysical acquisition work that i had been doing enthusiastically so far to geophysical processing job which conveniently came to fill in my time. the truth and inconvenient (thus challenging) part of it is that i am an official zero-knowledge-brain owner of geophysical processing. compared to other colleagues who have at least a basic skill at knowing what NMO stands for i am no different at all from someone who has never heard of the word geophysical processing at all.
after several weeks indulging myself into processing world i found out that i have grown more pimples and eyebags; which although from what i have found was actually due to lack of exercise (see para 6); have made me visibly more stressful and timid. at more times i found loneliness more of a friend than people, and i could get irritated more easily because i keep on feeling disappointed with myself for not knowing (about processing) and sometimes at even the very silly little things. plus, competitions from dear colleagues who are somehow can keep their interest at respected level from 8 till 5 and seniors' expectations made my heart feel squeezed into juice. to be honest, it's a feeling i cannot feel at ease about. i wanted some time off, but i couldnt. i knew that sooner or later, i still have to face them out and close this gap. once and for all, i hope. for the better, ey.
so i kept on crawling. i scratched through notes and reports and transmittals and websites, i asked questions and raised issues. i tried to think more and do more, although i sometimes felt that they were too much that i wanted to vomit. when i did feel so, i took some time off and played my ipad, or surf through the net. my loved ones keep me going, although some havent. i am still waiting for them to change for the best of their own. oh my beloved family.
i realized that i have neglected my physical exercise when i read an ad at the LRT station: "physical activities help your body to detox itself through perspiration, thus promotes healthier and glowing skin". i reflected on my eyebags and pimples growing at the side of my forehead where i used to perspire the most during exercises and realized what i had been missing so far despite my success in maintaining my body weight's range by +-2kgs - the joy, relief, destress, and sweat i gained from exercising. i started to imagine the shortness in breath, the urge for more effort to complete more push ups, the free movements i can make with all the parts of my body. they are tantalizing and always make me feel fresh. i had barely the time to do all those things; i had been concentrating more on my job and family time and doing financial planning. i forgot to enjoy with myself.
thus i made up my mind to spend at least 20 minutes to exercise in my room. i made push ups, i did static running, i did sit ups, i put on the music, i danced, i laughed. i deliberated myself. God it felt so good. and the best part is, i feel better now, alhamdulillah.
and after consultation with an employee at a pharmacy, i had been told on how to apply the eye-roll that i had bought correctly. actually i thought that it didnt work so i would like to try another one, with her consultation i found that wasnt needed; i only have to work on how to correctly apply it under my eyes and massage the area to make the toxin that causes the eyebags to go away. tips on better sleep, destress and also healthier lifestyle were also discussed. i saved money and gained new knowledge- another plus :)
regarding the processing work, i can feel that my seniors are starting to acknowledge my effort in studying processing and are giving me more chances and sharing more knowledge they have, which i found out not only more enriching but lifting away a lot of burden of expectations from my shoulder as well. i feel more trusted not only by them but more importantly by myself, because before all i know is that i am a processing stupidos who can only ask stupid questions which makes eyes roll in disbelief. but now i know that there are more and more info that i can relate with and are building up. ya Allah, please ease our tasks for us. ameen3...with acquisition i actually have a problematic project; my team members and me had put in a lot of effort into getting it done and had been hit and bombed a lot by our bosses, people from different departments and contractors because of it and as watson in sherlock holmes said
"I've been reviewing my notes, of our exploits over the last seven months.
would you like to know my conclusion?
I AM PSYCHOLOGICALLY DISTURBED."
haha~
yes, sometimes it wasnt funny at all. but since the project we have known each other well and learnt a hell lot about seismic acquisition especially the operational matters; it always amaze us (isnt it?) on how the very difficult things could be the most beneficial. but still, it has been the pain in my backbone. after yesterday i was still thinking what can actually make it worse since it has always been that way but there's light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps and lets say it positively that we can sort it out eventually, with peace. insyaAllah, ameen3...
and the most interesting part in all this is that I CAN NOW COMPLETE SUDOKU! so far i had completed 11 sets (+ more from ipads i didnt count) with an average timing for Medium level of around 35 minutes, and yesterday i completed a Hard one with 16.38 minutes in timing! clap clap clapppp..i am so proud of my teacher..hehe~ thank you dear.. :)
i'll keep rolling to let off more dirt and smudge from the entire me =) ya Allah please show us light, give us strength, patience and success and keep us healthy and away from unwanted disturbances and adversities...ameen ameen ameen ya Allah..
p/s: dear Adah, happy 13th birthday.. ;)
i just remembered about replenishing my bloggish thirst and when i saw the previous title it made me resembled about how my life has been up and down like a roller coaster with the switch off of 2010 and the brand new coming of 2011. apart from that, i cannot complain.
there has been some changes with the new year, either they happen coincidentally or not. the first one is the change of weather; resulting a sudden shift in focus from geophysical acquisition work that i had been doing enthusiastically so far to geophysical processing job which conveniently came to fill in my time. the truth and inconvenient (thus challenging) part of it is that i am an official zero-knowledge-brain owner of geophysical processing. compared to other colleagues who have at least a basic skill at knowing what NMO stands for i am no different at all from someone who has never heard of the word geophysical processing at all.
after several weeks indulging myself into processing world i found out that i have grown more pimples and eyebags; which although from what i have found was actually due to lack of exercise (see para 6); have made me visibly more stressful and timid. at more times i found loneliness more of a friend than people, and i could get irritated more easily because i keep on feeling disappointed with myself for not knowing (about processing) and sometimes at even the very silly little things. plus, competitions from dear colleagues who are somehow can keep their interest at respected level from 8 till 5 and seniors' expectations made my heart feel squeezed into juice. to be honest, it's a feeling i cannot feel at ease about. i wanted some time off, but i couldnt. i knew that sooner or later, i still have to face them out and close this gap. once and for all, i hope. for the better, ey.
so i kept on crawling. i scratched through notes and reports and transmittals and websites, i asked questions and raised issues. i tried to think more and do more, although i sometimes felt that they were too much that i wanted to vomit. when i did feel so, i took some time off and played my ipad, or surf through the net. my loved ones keep me going, although some havent. i am still waiting for them to change for the best of their own. oh my beloved family.
i realized that i have neglected my physical exercise when i read an ad at the LRT station: "physical activities help your body to detox itself through perspiration, thus promotes healthier and glowing skin". i reflected on my eyebags and pimples growing at the side of my forehead where i used to perspire the most during exercises and realized what i had been missing so far despite my success in maintaining my body weight's range by +-2kgs - the joy, relief, destress, and sweat i gained from exercising. i started to imagine the shortness in breath, the urge for more effort to complete more push ups, the free movements i can make with all the parts of my body. they are tantalizing and always make me feel fresh. i had barely the time to do all those things; i had been concentrating more on my job and family time and doing financial planning. i forgot to enjoy with myself.
thus i made up my mind to spend at least 20 minutes to exercise in my room. i made push ups, i did static running, i did sit ups, i put on the music, i danced, i laughed. i deliberated myself. God it felt so good. and the best part is, i feel better now, alhamdulillah.
and after consultation with an employee at a pharmacy, i had been told on how to apply the eye-roll that i had bought correctly. actually i thought that it didnt work so i would like to try another one, with her consultation i found that wasnt needed; i only have to work on how to correctly apply it under my eyes and massage the area to make the toxin that causes the eyebags to go away. tips on better sleep, destress and also healthier lifestyle were also discussed. i saved money and gained new knowledge- another plus :)
regarding the processing work, i can feel that my seniors are starting to acknowledge my effort in studying processing and are giving me more chances and sharing more knowledge they have, which i found out not only more enriching but lifting away a lot of burden of expectations from my shoulder as well. i feel more trusted not only by them but more importantly by myself, because before all i know is that i am a processing stupidos who can only ask stupid questions which makes eyes roll in disbelief. but now i know that there are more and more info that i can relate with and are building up. ya Allah, please ease our tasks for us. ameen3...with acquisition i actually have a problematic project; my team members and me had put in a lot of effort into getting it done and had been hit and bombed a lot by our bosses, people from different departments and contractors because of it and as watson in sherlock holmes said
"I've been reviewing my notes, of our exploits over the last seven months.
would you like to know my conclusion?
I AM PSYCHOLOGICALLY DISTURBED."
haha~
yes, sometimes it wasnt funny at all. but since the project we have known each other well and learnt a hell lot about seismic acquisition especially the operational matters; it always amaze us (isnt it?) on how the very difficult things could be the most beneficial. but still, it has been the pain in my backbone. after yesterday i was still thinking what can actually make it worse since it has always been that way but there's light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps and lets say it positively that we can sort it out eventually, with peace. insyaAllah, ameen3...
and the most interesting part in all this is that I CAN NOW COMPLETE SUDOKU! so far i had completed 11 sets (+ more from ipads i didnt count) with an average timing for Medium level of around 35 minutes, and yesterday i completed a Hard one with 16.38 minutes in timing! clap clap clapppp..i am so proud of my teacher..hehe~ thank you dear.. :)
i'll keep rolling to let off more dirt and smudge from the entire me =) ya Allah please show us light, give us strength, patience and success and keep us healthy and away from unwanted disturbances and adversities...ameen ameen ameen ya Allah..
p/s: dear Adah, happy 13th birthday.. ;)
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