I tried to recall the times when I whole-heartedly moved forward, without even take one look back. I tried to recapture the strength, the single-mindedness I managed to wrap myself into; became whole.

But everything went blank and I felt myself sank into a black hole. Sometimes I just don't know anything anymore. Sometimes I'm just lost like an alien.

I want to swim, until my limbs go stiff and cramped, until my body feels chilled to the bone. I want to swim, until my breaths fall short, until I'm tired of smiling every time I finish a lap. I want my body to work their muscles out, feeling the gush of water under my cheekbone, slurring through my armpits, controlling my breaths and the spread of my arms and the width of my splayed legs. I want to swim until I can't think of anything else.

Just like I want to cry so loud until all the masks I've been wearing melt down, until I lose my voice, until I can't remember myself anymore.

Adik sleeps so soundly at the left side of the bed. She must have been waiting for this moment so long, when she eyed the door from afar, waiting for it to open, so that she could sneak in and go onto the bed. We know they miss the softness of the mattress and the cool winds brushing their faces when they are asleep, and once she managed to quietly move to her favorite spot and lied down, closing her eyes, I didn't have the heart to put her back outside. Abang and adik have been barred from the rooms because their furs are loose and we can't afford to clean them off everytime, but just right now, I can't afford to see her sweet sleep disturbed.

I understand the feelings of missing the ones that you love. It's like rewinding the same movie again and again in your head, when everything else moves, or not moving at all. It's like reminding and pushing yourself to think about the brighter side of your life when everything in front of you goes wrong. It's like trying to keep the missing pieces when the good things are taken away from you.

It's about saying that you're okay when you actually feels like bawling and don't know where to find strength; only to know how to pretend to be strong. And then you'll wonder on how long people can stand with you when you yourself don't think that you'll last long.

Everytime I feel like this I'll crumple myself into position of the fetus, closing enough to retain the heat and trying to shudder off the cold, for as long as I need.

As long as everyone is happy. As long as everyone is okay.

‎"Tertundanya pemberian setelah engkau mengulang-ulang permintaan, janganlah membuatmu berpatah harapan. Allah menjamin pengabulan du'a sesuai dengan apa yang Dia pilih buatmu, bukan menurut apa yang engkau pilih sendiri, dan pada saat yang Dia kehendaki - bukan pada waktu yang engkau ingini." [Imam Ibn Athaillah As-Sakandari]

"Allah menjawab du'a para hamba-Nya yang penuh kerinduan dan permohonan yang keluar dari hati yang ikhlas. Memohon pertolongan Allah didorong dengan perintah-Nya untuk kembali kepada-Nya. Maka, waktu dan cara-Nya membalas du'a pun tergantung pada-Nya. Yang perlu dilakukan oleh makhluk adalah berdu'a, bergantung dan percaya pada cara-cara yang sempurna dari Sang Pencipta, kerana Dia selalu mengetahui keadaan kita yang sebenarnya, juga pertolongan serta perbekalan apa yang tepat buat kita dalam perjalanan menuju-Nya." [ulasan oleh Syeikh Fadhlalla Haeri]

Ya Allah terimalah kami, jadikanlah kami hamba-hamba-Mu yang ikhlas, sebenar-benar bergantung pada-Mu bukan selain-Mu, yang beradab penuh santun dalam bermohon kepada-Mu, tiada berpatah harapan atas penundaan-Mu, memilih dengan pilihan-Mu, setiap permohonan kami adalah dalam keredhaan-Mu, dan setiap nafas kami meraih kecintaan-Mu.. amiin.